I've said it before and I'll say it again: The easiest thing you can do in this world is get a man to have sex with you. I bet I could get a dude to bang me before I could get one to give me 10 dollars. And I wouldn't even have to shower.
Which is why I love articles like this one currently hawking goods on the Yahoo shopping page, listing the "Beauty Mistakes That Turn Men Off." Hahahahhahahha, they have an off switch?
Oh man, this thing reads like a list of stuff you'd put in an Emily trap: bold lipstick, hair add-ins, overdone eyelashes. Here are some things that apparently are major boner-killers to the male population:
A Sloppy Shave: "Nothing says "I've given up" as succinctly as leg stubble." Oh come on, I can give up WAY harder than that.
Stiff Hair: "No man is going to be able to run his fingers through your hair if it's knotted in a bun, pulled into a twist, or otherwise high-maintenance-looking." Well, fuck him then.
Dry Skin: "There may be nothing less sexy than dry legs, rough elbows, and chapped everything." Really? NOTHING? What about setting a bear trap on his balls?
Bold Lips: "Keep lips simple with a neutral pink lipstick." BLECH BLARGH BLECH.
Smokey-Eye Overload: "It starts off innocently enough: It's just you, an eye-shadow palette, and a mirror. But things can get ugly fast when heavy, dark eyeshadows are piled on top of each other." If men hate smokey eyes so much, why does every porn star in America wear one? And why does the beginning of this sound like somebody's gonna get chopped up with an ax by the end?Neon, Dark and Patterned Manicures: "If your manicure is black, glittery, glows in the dark, or is any combination thereof, men are intimidated." Can you imagine if he saw that crazy paw on his penis?!
Hair Add-Ins: "Leave the feathers, extensions, tinsel, bells, and whistles to reality-TV celebrities." OK, this is starting to feel personal. :(
Oh my god, I have been walking around freaking DESTROYING boners for years now! Somewhere, at boner HQ, there's a bunch of stone-faced boners sitting around under an "Enemy Number 1" poster with my face on it. Boners dare not speak my name, like Lord Voldemort.
And OK, obviously I don't care if all the things I do to make myself so enchanting are turning off dudes. I want to fuck myself, and that's all that matters.
But it's also such a damn lie! At some point, gendered media started dealing in stereotypes so broad that what they're saying no longer bears any relation to reality. I mean, in what world are men only turned on by perfect-looking women? I could go outside in sweatpants and a puff-paint sweatshirt right now and get some dude to stick it in. And never, ever in the history of the world has a guy wanted to bone a chick until he saw her glittery manicure. That is straight made up!
And seriously, if he won't put it in you cause you left a little ankle hair, or because your elbows are dry, you should run away as fast and as far as you can. The human body is not a hospital. It doesn't have to be sterile. It's sloppy and warm and wet and real. And a woman isn't sexy because she shows up like some sort of blank canvas for you to project your erotic desires onto.
Women look sexy and feel sexy when they're being themselves. If a dude is turned off by my bold lip, wait until he gets a load of my bold personality.
And it's not that easy to turn dudes off! I sometimes play a game with male friends in which I put forth weirder and weirder scenarios to find out what it would take to stop them from sleeping with a woman. Like...You get to her house and you can hardly see her bed under a sea of stuffed animals. Or... You take her clothes off and her panties read, "Daddy's little girl." Or ... You go back to her house and the place is filthy and crawling with cockroaches. Most of the time? They're going through with it and making sure to shake their shoes out before they leave.
A dude with a boner is not the equivalent of a pageant judge. And pretending beauty products and knowledge are required to access male desire is a straight-up sham. Make-up is for fun, not a passport to desirability. My vagina does not clamp closed and his penis does not deflate depending on how heavily I've applied my foundation.
And as much as I love the beauty industry, and beauty products, and women's magazines, I refuse to let anybody I'm giving money to be the gatekeeper of my sexuality. Real men don't give a shit if you miss a patch.
Follow @msemilymccombs on Twitter, where she pretty much wrote this article before she wrote it.