Like It Rough, But Hate The Bruises? I've Got You Covered

So you played rough and you’ve got the marks to prove it. Here’s how to heal quickly and hide the evidence.

Oct 31, 2011 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

I'm usually covered in a mess of mystery bruises for really unsexy reasons like banging into my coffee table in the dark or tripping on some stairs (and OK, maybe occasionally having a teensy bit too much to drink). And trust, people are always alarmed.

Or, like my usual hair-remover at my go-to waxing spot, Strip, they assume I've been having loads of crazy sex. I saw that look you were giving me, Cande!

As any cheater knows, sex can leave evidence, in the forms of bruises, scratches, rug burn and hickies (do people still get those?).

Or, and Cat keeps yelling at me that I'm going to get her in trouble, but maybe you like it rough. Obviously I don't mean to trivialize domestic violence, but what about consensual rough stuff, ala the slapping action between Ben and girlfriend Julie on HBO's "How To Make It In America" a few weeks ago. It was hot!

And if you believe, like I do, that HBO sex scenes are sort of like trend reports for getting it on, then you, or someone you know, is probably slapping while sexing behind closed doors. Whatever, Cat, I'm done!

Anyway, if you want to conceal visible marks left behind after whatever kind of consensual sex you're into, I've perfected a foolproof three-step system for treating and hiding them. Because hand prints and such sometimes don't go over that well if you're sleeping with a few different people.

Julie's Sex-Bruise-Be-Gone Formula:

Avoid Heat: Skip hot showers for a few days as high temps can cause more bleeding and broken blood vessels. This may also curb your libido since you'll either be dousing it with cold showers or you'll stink from skipping them altogether.


Apply Arnica: This topical remedy claims to help reduce the appearance of bruising and inflammation. And it beats taking those tiny sugar-coated Arnica pellets I tend to abuse. It costs $70, so it's really for advanced cheaters/sluts.

Take Cover: Neutralize your visible mark with a body makeup. MAC makes a good one(they make a good one of everything, basically):

 

Or, like Emily just told me she did when some dude gave her a constellation of hickeys in junior high, you can wear a velvet choker for a week straight. It helps if it's the 90s.

But I'm curious: Do you bruise easily and if so, have you ever had to hide the origins of said bruises?