It's gonna get sappy up in here.
There’s a reason August is the month with the highest birthrate. Maybe it has something to do with all those revelers hunting for a smooch (and then some) on New Year's Eve.
It’s a good thing that us ladies have the pick of the litter December 31, and while I may be spoken for, I still like getting all “done up” like a glittering love goddess come soirée season. Happy accident then that I stumbled upon a device that ups my smooch stock sans injections or other invasive procedures.
I present to you...CandyLipz.
Honestly, I rarely buy into "as-seen-on-TV" gear, and while I haven’t actually seen CandyLipz on television, their website’s homepage is a mosaic of thin/supersize before and after lip photos and tons of celebrity endorsements.
The way it works is simple: squeeze the apple-shaped device like a stress ball, then pucker you lips and fit them in the opening, forming a seal.
Release your iron grip so the suction holds and let the apple dangle off your face for one to two minute increments as your lips tingle in a silicone vacuum. You can do this for as many increments as it takes to go from Lana Del Rey to Kylie Jenner (or perhaps even Angelina Jolie) levels of plump.
CandyLipz claims that a normal plumping session will keep your lips inflated from an hour and a half to two hours.
The apple-shaped devices are about the size of an actual small apple so they are relatively portable.
There is one pretty weird caveat, though.
Remember when you (well, some of you) were a kid and you stuck a cup to your mouth and sucked all the air out and it was HILARIOUS for no other reason than sheer absurdity? And remember when that cup left a ring around your mouth for minutes to hours?
CandyLipz will do the same thing…at first.
But with a “conditioning period,” the skin around your mouth won’t continue to bruise like a hickey. It sounds suspect because that is how blood flow works naturally, but after completing my conditioning period (10 days), my lips no longer bruised post-plump. There was minimal redness from the edges of the pump, but the jelly mouth-protector prevents any major cup marks.
Even on day one, with two one-minute plumps (a minute apart, as the guide says), my lips were swollen and naturally rouged.
I got a small hickey mustache that initially dismayed me, but a cold compress and a bit of massage made the marks much less apparent.
After my nightly ritual of candy-lipping, I was able to give my lips the Del Rey treatment in about a week. The initial plumpness looked like I ate something I’m allergic to, but it calmed down to a more natural lush in about 10 minutes.
Once you overcome the bruising phase, this little apple dude can be used pretty much whenever (in brief increments)--even when you crash that New Year's Eve party and find someone you’d like to attach your newly plumped lips to, conveniently lingering below some mistletoe.
- What lengths have you guys gone to for plumper lips?
- If 2014 was the year of the derriére, is 2015 the year of the pout (as ushered in by the youngest Jenner)?
- Moreover, how many of you attached cups to your mouths as a kid? Please tell me I wasn’t the only weirdo who did that.