NEW MAKEUP MONDAY: 4 Products I Used To Look Pretty Over The Weekend. When I Wasn't Preparing To F**king Die!

I'm writing these bitches up as I pull them one by one directly from my filthy white Balenciaga, which is also full of stray grimy fruit snacks with old Xanax bars stuck to them.

May 23, 2011 at 11:32am | Leave a comment

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What up thugs! How were our weekends? I spent the better parts of mine dressed like a boy and dancing very strangely past dawn in this apartment deep in Chinatown on a street I'd never heard of, smoking my friend's Newport cigarettes and trying not to fall down as I busted weird moves on the spilled drink-wet floor in my squeaky sneakers. Then my friend Machine made this cool tin foil scarf, and well -- from there it just got weird. It always does; I'm always weird. But I totally had fun.

What did you do? Comments section pleez. Well. (sigh) I suppose it's time to start writing about beauty products again; I had a few days off.

More specifically, about MAKEUP: those cosmetic items that I, over the course of a very good, very party-heavy-per-usual weekend, found myself applying over and over again. Are this past weekend's makeup picks all new, just recently on counters? Ummm...I think so. I said so in the headline. I mean, they're new to ME.

You see, every week the publicists send me bags and bags of stuff, and I take it all home, compile a makeup bag to haul around with me, and then play around with the new things all weekend, discerning what's good enough to make it into the Holy Grail (well, not really) of cosmetic product-holding containers: my makeup BASKET. This is a wicker bin that's stuffed full of mascara and concealer and eye shadow priming-whatever that sits glamorously on the tank of my toilet. Yeah, I do my makeup in the bathroom. I wish I had space for a dressing table or something, but, you know. People in hell want ice water!

Anyway, what I mean to say is that I try tons of shit every weekend and 75 percent of it I give away because it's not as badass as the rest of it, and there's only so many items one beauty editor can keep in her dumpy bathroom. What made the cut this week? WELL. I'm gonna tell you.

NEW MAKEUP MONDAY: I just made the whole concept up, and it's not that great. It is, in fact, barely a concept. But alas, read on.

1) Essence Cosmetics Lipliner #07 Cute Pink

I've been carrying lipliners with me everywhere; I'm obsessed with llpliner. And I swear to God, nobody feels me on this! When I worked in magazines I was CONSTANTLY pitching "THE RETURN OF LIPLINER" as some big beauty story; my bosses would just ignore me. Which I can appreciate.

Anyway, this one is pretty -- it's not really a nude; it's a true pink, so you sort of need to be careful applying it. I've been outlining my mouth and then filling it in a bit, then putting gloss on. I'm into lipliner-plus-gloss because I'm actually into poofy collagen injections. But I don't have 'em (YET).

Anyway I love this color and this inexpensive-across-the-board Euro makeup brand; their stuff rules.

2) Bare Escentuals BareMinerals Pretty Amazing lip color in Charisma

This is liquid lipstick in a real pretty, fleshy pink. It's sort of the color of ... I keep thinking obscene things! But think of the prettiest looking bits you've ever seen in pornography, or as seen color-corrected to the most alluring pinkiness in Hustler or whatever (WHAT?! No one else reads Hustler?). OK, even I can't believe I'm writing this description.

ANYWAY this is a lovely liquid lipstick of sorts. You can apply without a mirror. It's not gloss but it's in a tube with a wand, and it's not a colorless nude but it's not bright at all, either; and while it's moist and creamy, not dry and matte, yet not shiny ... again, in a lovely, pretty baby pink. Incidentally "Pretty Baby" was also a Brooke Shields movie in which she played a child prostitute. Does the metaphor work? Oh, I just want to stop talking.

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3) Dior Diorskin Nude Glow Healthy Glow Summer Fluid

I don't like ANYTHING that requires hard work, makeup-wise. Probably because I stand there applying it in my depressing bathroom -- or worse still, in a taxi, running very late for something, without a mirror. I did the apply-foundation-in-a-cab thing this weekend with this new tinted moisturizer-like fluid from Dior, which just looked great and glowy in the (glass, too-heavy-to-take-out-on-the-regular) bottle, which it is worth noting came with a pump dispenser. Why don't all things have PUMPS?! It drives me so nuts when they don't!

Anyway, I spread a glob of this stuff all over my face and it blended seamlessly and made me look healthy and warm-toned (really I am QUITE sallow) yet bare-skinned, more or less, and not shimmery like a f-ing gymnast. Cause ooh, that's the worst. Oh, and it's not greasy or oily or now; I'd have felt the breakouts forming. Trust. $46 but you just need a little, and I bet a bottle lasts you all summer.

4) Philosophy Colorful Is Divine Long-Wear Creamy Eye Color in Golden Stardust

What the ... ?! Well, someone's a moron, and as usual, I'm talking about Jane. NO, I said that to get your attention: I'm talking about me, because I applied this tube of flesh-colored (well, MY flesh) liquid-y stuff to my undereyes all weekend for touch-ups and it worked just beautifully. But it seems I was using cream eyeshadow as concealer, and that's, I guess, fine. Whatever works, you know?

But that said, knowing this is a cream shadow means I WILL be using it that way: I really do believe in an overall neutral makeup base all over a lid before one starts piling the shadow on. It brightens the eye area and makes shadow stick, and also deepens it's pigments -- blacks look blacker, moister ('moister'? it stays!) and last longer, which is important because I love black eye shadow and I really REALLY love staying up all night. I am fooling around with this -- now a primer, to me -- in the mirror at my desk now, layering shadow on top of the subtle light apricot-gold cream base. Yup, it works just like I described: My brown shadow I'm patting on top with my finger looks all inky-espresso but with glowy hints underneath. WIN.

Alright, so. What makeup did you use this weekend? What did you like; what did you not like? Discuss.