Salon quality nails without the salon quality small talk!
Prompted by my most recent trip to the nail salon, here's a list of seven thoughts I have pretty much every time I get a manicure and pedicure. Please share your own... and tell me I'm not alone in my musings.
“I’m really sorry.”
I’m sorry, nail tech, for the unsightly condition of my feet. For my uneven fingernails, for my dry cuticles, for my pinky toenail that barely exists. I’m sorry if there’s cat hair on the bottom of my heel. And I’m sorry that I don’t really want to make small talk with you and keep looking at my phone. I’m sorry I kind of kicked you when you tickled my foot. I’m sorry that I didn’t shave before I came. I’m sorry that I smudged my polish (again) and made you have to re-do it. Please accept my hearty tip.
“Are you really gonna make me say, 'callus remover' out loud?”
I think every single person who goes to get a pedicure wants to make sure their feet are smooth by the time they leave. For some reason, ordering the “callus remover treatment” off the laminated menu is so embarrassing, though. Sometimes I try to get away with pointing discreetly instead of saying the words out loud, but then the person working on my feet always shouts, “YOU WANT THE CALLUS REMOVER?” Yes. I do. Sigh. Judge me, world.
“Dang, that’s a lot of cuticle you’re removing there. Awesome.”
Have you ever noticed that when it comes time to remove your cuticles, the nail tech never wipes the clipper in between finger nails? By the time she’s got your tenth finger, there’s an impressive recreation of the leaning tower mounted off the tool and she’s looking at you with the, “You see what I just did for you?” eyes. This soggy pile of cuticle debris is absolutely disgusting, yes, but also intensely satisfying. My sister once told me during a sister mani session, “I try to save up my cuticles between manicures.” We can’t be the only ones.
“Is that... a cheese grater?”
You know what I’m talking about. A friend of mine live-tweeted her first pedicure, and when the tech pulled out the cheese-grater-looking thing, she lost it. I think it may actually be a cheese grater, but I don’t care because it works. Who wants some Parmesan?
“I’m trying my best to relax my hand, OK?”
“Relax your hand!”/“Stop being tense!”/“Loosen up!”/“RELAX!” I don’t know why, but my fingers transform into rigid sticks every time the tech starts painting. Every other minute, she’s shaking my hand trying to get me to loosen up. Maybe I’m just an extremely tense person, but I can’t be the only one who is constantly being told to relax during a mani.
“I’ll be damned if I skip the massage chair, even if it’s Bounce City.”
Those massage chairs are one of the best parts about a massage, and I’ll be damned if I turn it off just because my boobs are bouncing all over the place. It’s worse than sitting at the back of the bus on a bumpy country road, but thou shalt never skip a chair massage.
“OMG WHEN CAN I LEAVE.”
I hate waiting for my polish to dry, and I almost always leave the salon prematurely. I’ve literally had a nail tech scold me for reaching for my keys before the allotted 10 minutes were up, but I get so borrrrred. My solution is to walk out the door with the paper sandals on, and sometimes I'll dive into the waxing salon next door to pass the time.
- Can you relate to any of these mani/pedi thoughts?
- What goes through YOUR head at the salon?