Have You Ever Bought a Nail Polish Just for the Silly Name?

How do I get a job coming up with these names? I'd be so great at it.
Publish date:
June 24, 2015
opi, deborah lippmann, illamasqua, Essie, Orly, Koalas

When I heard ORLY was coming out with a Disney Belle—as in Beauty & The Beast—Color Blast nail polish collection this summer, a small bit of my heart was immediately warmed with nostalgia. BATB was always one of my favorite Disney films, and when I was in high school and a super-embarrassing theatre nerd, my school actually put on the musical.

Everyone agreed I was a shoe-in for Belle. I mean, I've always been a semi-cute brunette who loves books and dudes with anger management issues. (Ugh!) But then the role went to this little blonde girl who once screamed at me in a bathroom until I cried. How VERY un-Belle, right? High school was great!

Anyway, I think ORLY came out with this collection just so I could live out my dashed teenage dreams. Right? Thanks, ORLY!

The six, super-cute shades are available at Walgreens right now. The colors are really pretty, and the polishes go on smoothly. I don't wear a lot of colors on my nails, but these are really fun to break out for special occasions.

What I really want to talk about, though, is one of the polishes in particular, which is my new favorite nail polish name of all time. Are you ready for this? It's a bright, opaque aquamarine called CRAZY OLD MAURICE! If you're a BATB fan at all, you just had to say that out loud, right?

Marci and I laughed about the genius of this polish name for weeks, and it got me thinking about all my other favorite nail polish names. I've been saying since I was, like, 15 that my dream job is being the person who comes up with nail polish names. Some of them are just so wack-a-doodle, I know I 'd be great at it.

Here is an incomplete list of some of my other favorite nail polish names of all time:

OPI Tickle My France-y

This one is described as a "naughty" shade of nude. Because when I think of "naughty" things, I definitely think of "tickling."

OPI Koala Bear-y

Koalas are my very, very, very favorite animal, so you'd think I'd LOVE this polish, but I do have some qualms with it.

Listen, OPI, koalas aren't bears! Read a Zoobook! Koalas are marsupials, like kangaroos. Baby koalas are called joeys. Koalas sleep, like, 20 hours a day and they only wake up to eat eucalyptus and bang other koalas. Koalas are the best.

Deborah Lippmann I'm Not Edible

Thank you for clearing this up for me, Debs. It is often difficult for me to resist the temptation of eating my nail polish.

Deporah Lippmann Makin' Whoopee

I was recently introduced to the phrase "smush" as a way to describe people intercoursing each other, and I thought it was pretty unsexy. But, by far, the least-sexy way to describe sexy time has GOT to be "Makin' whoopee!" I mean, it just makes me think of making out with Whoopi Goldberg, which makes me want to be celibate, basically.

Illamasqua Taint


Illamasqua Load

LOL, I'm a 12-year-old boy, in case you didn't know.

Essie Recessionista

Do you guys remember the recession? I DO! What a fun, sexy time for us as a country. When I think back on those times, my memories always come back to me in a strange and gorgeous brick red shade. I couldn't tell ya why, but Essie really nailed the spirit of America's economic hardship with this gorgeous shade. When you find the time to crawl out from beneath your crumbling palace of student loan debt and paralyzing insecurity, why not give yourself a mani-pedi?

OK, my brain is melting, and I have to stop talking about nail polish names. Now you guys share with me.

  • What's your favorite ridiculous nail polish name?
  • How do I get a job naming these things? It's clearly my calling.