I Thought Fake Nails Would Look Cool but They Just Made Anything I Do Exponentially More Difficult

I mean, they're great if you're not planning on using your fingers for much.
Publish date:
November 15, 2016
manicures, fake nails, acrylic nails, Kiss Nails, ImPRESS Manicure

I like getting my nails done as much as the next person who gets a thrill out of risking cuticle infections but for the most part, that's one of those DIY things I wholeheartedly enjoy. The giant train case bursting with nail polish bottles under my desk can attest to that.

I'm lucky. I've always had strong nails. I keep them short-ish because I hate when ONE nail gets a snag and then the whole thing unravels with one stumpy ragged nail and the rest look nice. Also it's difficult to play bass with long nails, but by GOURD I'm working on practicing with my nails grown out a bit to see if I can indeed have it all.

So I found myself killing time in the office before going to an event and with nothing better to do and big ol' bag of Impress fake nails in our xobeauty stash (aka 70% of what's on Marci's desk), I grabbed the most tacky but at the same time least tacky design I could find and popped them on my nails, which serendipitously had no polish on them whatsoever at the time.

Okay, it was these or the pastel glitter ombre ones and I think I chose wisely. They really do make them easy to put on — you just find your size, rip off the plastic backing from the adhesive and press them on. Dunzo. These were made for bored girls with no patience!

The super square shape is so 90s to me, which harkens back to the time that all my girlfriends had french-tipped acrylics by the time we were 13 but I was not allowed for all rational reasons and to me, those long air-brushed talons were a symbol of the sexy bad girls club, to which I was not allowed admission on account of not being bad or sexy (because duh, we were 13 and that would've been highly inappropriate). No acrylics, no gold nameplate necklace — no dice.

But back to the present me, all grown-up and tacking pre-fab plastic spoons onto my fingers in an empty office with a cleaning crew looking at me like, "What she still doing here? She's not even working."

Out I went to said event with my new insta-mani and you know what — I did feel like a sexy bad girl. I mean, mostly bad, a regular amount of sexy, but totally like a tough bitch, you know? I finally had tough bitch nails! I felt like I could get into a bar fight and wipe the floor with some doofus and then scoff at him on the floor with a line like, "Didn't even break a nail!"

Okay, that took a violent turn. Never mind. It's funny how certain beauty choices can feel so transformative though, right? Like long versus short hair, regular nails versus tough bitch nails, you see where I 'm going here.

So after getting accustomed to the feeling of having something glued to my fingernails, I had to accommodate how I did... pretty much anything using my hands because of them. Even simple tasks felt strange and sloppy. I could NOT pick small objects up from surfaces. Dropped change? Forget it. It's just gonna stay on the floor. Same for bobby pins, pens, paper, etc. I could barely text or type on my phone and computer respectively. I've never been a pristine texter but it was getting incoherent.

Applying makeup with my hands was pretty icky. If it wasn't because of getting moisturizer or cream products stuck under the nail (ew), I couldn't really use fingers to apply for risk of poking myself in the eye (which I did at least three times). The tips of my fingers were pretty much out of commission. Also, I kept getting strands of hair caught in between the fake nail and my own, snagging on the adhesive which feels exactly like someone violently tugging on just one strand of hair — not the good kind of hair-pulling ,the unexpected and painful kind.

It's hard to maintain that tough bitch feeling when you're struggling to type your pin into an ATM because the buttons are too flat.

I should mention however that the adhesive on these is surprisingly strong. After two days they were still clinging for dear life to my nails. Until ONE popped off and then I had to wretch off the others which proved very difficult. All it takes is one weakling to free your fingers from their acrylic prison!

It was cool while it lasted, though I can't imagine what it'd be like to have professionally-applied fakies to my nails. Do you guys just not do stuff when you have them on? Seriously, I don't know how you get anything done with them. They're great for an event or a party, I guess (especially if they have intricately tacky decorations on them, like glitter spiders over black and glitter french-tips). These Halloween sets are limited edition, obviously, but you can find this set on Amazon still (next resort — eBay).

But seriously, how do you guys wear these? Are they expensive to get?

These weren't even that long, but how long do they normally come in? I'm confused.

How do you get to the little buttons on the remote with fake nails on? Fake nails should come with a stylus.