MY TRIP TO NYC: Products, Products, PRODUCTS, Jimmy McMillan, and Faulty Kidneys

A kidney infection means I'm spending this weekend chugging cranberry juice and slathering on lip tar like only a saucy Norman Bates could. I AM SO SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR HOW LOOPY I AM.

Apr 15, 2013 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

SO MANY THINGS HAVE OCCURRED! I met the beyond gorgeous xoJane staff (friggin’ finally!) and got so many goodies and met Jimmy McMillan and had a glamazon drag queen read my fortune at a bar and, and, AND! 

And then I got a kidney infection. Because, the light and the dark, you guys. It had to balance out somewhere. 

EVIDENCE IS IN ORDER. BECAUSE I’M TURNING THIS INTO ONE OF THOSE OBNOXIOUS TRAVEL BLOGS YOUR BOUGIE FRIENDS START WHEN THEY DECIDE TO GO TO FRANCE FOR THREE WEEKS OR SOME SHIT. 

I’m in a weird mood today. Inordinately crabby and weepy and swirly-brained. Carrying on!

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It was late. It was weird. 

I feel kind of weird about the Jimmy McMillan stuff. Like I spotted his Lorax-y essence as he was talking up a bouncer at the bar I was at, and then I awkwardly asked for a picture in front of his "Rent" van, like a moron. He made us say "The rent is too damn high!" for the camera and I almost immediately regretted my decision.  

Then this happened:

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We MATCH. Dreamy.

I look so tentative here, but really I was just in awe of how on point her reading was. It was eerily, on point. She said I would soon be meeting people I had wanted to meet for a long time and that things had gotten serious with a boyfran (hello, moving to NYC together!). OK, now that sounds comically generic, but at the time it was poignant. I mean, the proof is in my face. 

And here's me in a casual crying pic. I'm actually kind of fond of crying pics because they are so HONEST AND RAW. Except, here I had actually just woken up from an antibiotic and pain-med-induced nap; I wasn't technically crying. Yet. 

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So, so sicky. 

Oh. My. Lord. THEM KIDNEYS. THEY AILED ME. 

Anyway, this trip was a lot to process in a very short amount of time. Which is why I spent the past week under the covers trying to recharge my batteries. Holler at me, fellow introverts. Anti-social solidarity FTW. 

And my little bout of bloody urine and extreme exhaustion was actually really conducive to me slapping on all of the beauty products xoJane gave me! Here’s a quickie rundown of the sexiest makeup products I own right now. 

LIP TAR

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Sensual.

Yikes, guys. I’ve been introduced to lip tar. It’s so fuckin’ vibrant! And oozy and goopy and slimy and divine! The electric blue shade I have on in the video below felt like I had slathered the entrails of Diva Plavalaguna all over my mouth. Nasty! Sexy. 

You get bonus points if you get the reference without clicking the link. Even though that movie kinda sucks. 

The only downside to tar (the official slang term, in case you were wondering) is that it rubs off on your teeth in an INSTANT if you don’t blot, blot, blot. Seriously. I looked like I had eaten an animal raw when I wore the red one because I, being the naïve, little beauty writer that I am, was unawares of just how messy this stuff is. It gets everywhere. And it stains. 

This can be nice, because I hate reapplying a million times a day. Just be mindful. 

CLOS DUBOIS ROSEWATER ROUGE BY PIXI

I also got some crazy-ass blush that is 100% made out of wine (I don’t know if it’s actually made out of wine). Clos Dubois wine, in collaboration with Pixi Beauty, makes rosewater face rouge that is inspired by their newest red wine blend. So coo-coo bananas, but I love it! As will all of you winos out there! I know you are there. 

And the results are actually pretty awesome. I look really fresh-faced and blushed when I slather this on my cheeks. As with tar, though, this stuff does stain. So be mindful of that when you apply. Rub it in ASAP. And DON’T recreate this moment in cinematic history. I learned that the hard way. 

LINEUR INTENSE LIQUID LINER BY L’OREAL/ MAYBELLINE DUO

Finally, I got some amazing liquid eyeliner. Actually, I got two liners. 

The L’Oreal stuff is what I use everyday. It goes on so smoothly, and it has a brush tip, which makes filling in that tried and true cat-eye triangle a total breeze! And, as I mention in the lil’ vid, it comes off when you want it to, but it stays on when it matters. Just don’t, like, scratch at your eyeballs or anything.

Maybelline’s Duo Liquid Liner is also pretty nifty! It has a ballpoint tip, which boosts the control of the line a lot more. 

Both of these babies will keep me cat-eyeing for eternity, which is all I care about, obviously. 

I also made a little video re-cap of all these dreamy products in case you wanted to see how FUCKING BLUE my teeth got (embarrassing…and hilarious) from using the tar, man.

I reiterate, BLOT. THAT. SHIT. If you leave it all glossy and sloshy, you'll get colorful teeth. 

Also, enjoy my super dumb shirt because it’s laundry day and IDGAF.

And, because I care, because it’s Friday, and because this is the cutest picture ever, here are some of the xoJane babes and me on my last day in NYC.

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SO CAYUTE!

NOT FOR LONG, THOUGH! 

Do you sweeties have any newish products or broker-free apartments you’re dying to dish about (fists thrust under chin)? I miss you, tell me everything!