It's gonna get sappy up in here.
Hi guys! We have a new beauty director! Are you so excited? I am. Ugh, she is the best. I mean, I’m pretty sure. We have been emailing and I have been subtly trying to make her fall in love with me. [Note from Abby: It's already happening. Love at first Gmail.] I hope she still likes me when she finally figures out I’m a total mess. I also hope she’s okay with me writing this article blackout drunk.
My only worry is that since I’m pitching Abby instead of Emily now, I’ll need to find other reasons to creepily email Emily to casually remind her that I exist. Love will find a way.
Remember when my hair was like, every color? What was I thinking? I looked like My Little Pony and also a cupcake, but I was into it. Whatever, it’s hair. It grows back, you know? But then I somehow got some sense knocked into me and realized that I needed to ditch all that. So I dyed my hair grey!
Somewhere along the line, I fell in love with grey hair. Whenever I do something stupid to my hair, I never keep it very long because I’m flighty. But I LOVE this grey. I’ve re-greyed it twice now, and I’m probably doing it again this week, as long as I don’t buzz it off and/or forget about my hair appointment.
The only downside about this flawless grey is that we had to bleach my hair from its natural luscious chocolate-y brown to essentially blonde, which my hair did not appreciate. As much as I love my new ethereal silver hair, I don’t want it to look like a dried out bird’s nest, yo. And I’d also like to be able to run a comb through it (not that I actually comb my hair, but I just like the idea in theory.)
I’ve gone blonde a lot, and rarely have I ever taken care of my hair, because that takes work and like, planning, which I am not interested in. But I am an adult now! I have changed my ways. I want my hair to be grey AND healthy (looking.) So I have committed myself to keeping my hair moisturized and smooth while fried and grey, and I’m going to tell you how I do it because dried out hair is certainly not a problem I'm suffering through alone. I'm looking at you platinum blondes and others of the over-processed variety. These products are also great if you have color-treated hair, or just think your hair could use a little bit more moisture, which it probably could. No offense.
I’m using Living Proof’s “Restore” line and I’ve never been happier.
If we’re going to be real right now, let me admit that I’m only using Living Proof because I am obsessed with Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston is the face of Living Proof and she is also an investor in the company. I know that has nothing to do with my hair but that’s how I came to know these products, and here we are. I mean, really, who doesn’t love Jennifer Aniston? She’s so likable and believable in every character she plays. And hello, she’s a hair icon! “The Rachel?” Everyone has had “The Rachel” at one point in their lives, even me. In my opinion, the only person who can compete with her in terms of iconic hair is Hillary Clinton.
My obsession runs deep. Like, I only drink Smart Water. Two years ago I almost started a parody Twitter account for Jennifer Aniston called “Jen Pray Love.”
Anyway, Living Proof’s Restore line is not something to sleep on. Let’s start with the hair mask.
Living Proof’s “Restore Recovert Regime” is made for bitches like me with overly processed hair in need of a little love. The pack comes with five little tubes (which they call “ampules” and frankly I’m not convinced that that’s actually a word) filled with this incredible mask that you NEED, period. You smear it all over your head, leave it on for five minutes, and bam, your hair is silky smooth and looks and feels beautiful.
Ugh, it’s so good. Okay, I know it’s hard for your hair NOT to feel amazing after a mask because that‘s, like, the point. But this one really stands alone in terms of stay power. My hair felt noticeably more manageable for days afterward, which was so nice. I’m used to using masks and then washing out all of their benefits the next time I shower. They come in packs of five and they tell you to use them once a week for the best results.
Want a secret? The tubes are resealable and since I have short hair (which kind resembles both Kate Conway and Miley Cyrus) I only used half the tube, so I can get away with using the mask TEN times! YAAAS.
Wait, but I’m not done. Living Proof also makes a “Targeted Repair Cream” which is essentially a leave-in conditioner that I am OBSESSED with. I’ve never really been into leave-ins because I feel like they always weigh my hair down and make it look greasy. But this one is different, I swear!
So after hopping out of the shower then scrutinizing my naked body and lip-synching Nicki Minaj songs in the mirror for ten minutes, I towel dry my hair and then while it’s still damp, I squeeze out a quarter-sized drop of cream into my hand and rub it in, focusing on the roots which are fried to filth. And then I blow dry it or just let it air dry. It dries into my hair without being weird and heavy or greasy or waxy, like there’s nothing even in there at all!
And it protects! It seriously seals my split ends and is supposed to keep even more from forming. Like 93% more. No, I didn’t come up with that figure myself, but that’s what the website says. Can I confirm it? No, dude. But I CAN tell you that my hair feels freaking awesome after using it, and my endorsement is more valuable than any perhaps-made-up figure, right? You must think so, you’ve made it through one thousand words already. That, or you’re hate reading, which I wouldn’t blame you for.
Is this actually the worst beauty article you’ve ever read? It might be. I feel like it was less fact-based than usual. Sorry about that, I’m trying to do my best. This was just a really experiential moment for me. All I know is that my hair feels really nice! What do you use to moisturize your hair? What should I use? Just so you know, I'm not going to try avocados or mayonnaise or whatever. I’d so much rather spend $40 on a product than, like, buy a vegetable. But if that’s your thing, I completely support you. What’s your favorite Jennifer Aniston movie? Let’s talk about her in the comments. Also, isn’t that guy she’s marrying a total babe? Good for you, girl. Am I a babe? Should I buzz my hair?
Tynan is thinking about Jennifer Aniston on Twitter @TynanBuck.