The 10 Beauty, Ahem, "Grooming" Products I'll Steal From a Man If I Ever Trick One Into Loving Me

Lady crap is expensive.
Publish date:
December 8, 2014
Men's Grooming, Beauty Products, Women's Beauty Products

I like boys. I’m not talking about liking them in a hormonal hetero way either. Without getting into the politics of gender roles and all that, I love the way boys smell and the way they laugh and their sense of humor and testosterone, and ugh. Boys also get all of the coolest beauty (sorry, I mean “grooming”) products too. Honestly, the only advantages to skincare and cosmetics made for women are scents and packaging. Otherwise, lady crap is expensive and can even be offensive.

When I’m not stealing T-shirts, beanies, and yes, “grooming” products from boys, I’m buying them for myself. I’ve come up with a list of goodies you should steal from your brother/boyfriend/husband/booty-call’s bathroom, or get as a treat.

Let me introduce you to the product that inspired this entire article. I freaking love beard oil. A really cool girl with really cool hair introduced me to it and confessed that she used it on her own hair and skin, and even shaved with it. She described the shaving experience as feeling highly luxurious -- uh, sold! This product simply delivers on all ends of the moisturizing front.

Beard Oil

Beardbrand oil is meant to nourish beard hair as well as the skin underneath. Each formula contains a blend of jojoba, almond, grape seed, and castor oil -- all of the good stuff. I started using a couple drops of this scentless “Blank Slate” oil in my hair, and I cannot lie, it beats every other expensive argan/agave/blahblah oil I’ve ever purchased from Sephora. By applying the Tea Tree Beard Oil as a moisturizer, I’m able to last an entire day without using a single oil-blotting sheet on my face. That’s coming from the greasiest girl in the world.

OH AND ANOTHER THING -- I SAW THIS PRODUCT ON A SHARK TANK RE-RUN YESTERDAY AND ALMOST LOST MY MIND! The founder of the product was showcasing this oil with an entire grooming kit to the sharks . . . I was seriously running down the street screaming.

Styptic Pen

I think I’m really brilliant for bringing you this one. Styptic pens are what men use to halt bleeding after nicking their face while shaving. Assuming you don’t shave your face, you could use this in the event of slicing yourself under your arms or even on that traumatizing tendon behind your knee (I cut that once, and thought I was going to bleed out in the shower). Band-Aids always make me think of Nelly, and Neosporin smells weird -- I would rather use a travel-friendly styptic pen for my cuts.


Time to get super personal! I am the queen of ingrown hairs, and my bikini line is their kingdom. Sometimes my ingrown hairs leave that wretched area to vacation on my legs, or purchase a time-share in my armpits. Those overpriced light pink Venus razors chop me up -- they provide way too close of a shave for my sensitive skin. I find Gillette MACH 3 men’s razors to be much less irritating. No ingrown hairs, and no scratching my razor-burned calves like I have meth mites.

Shaving Oil

Shave with this Kiehl’s shaving oil for silky non-irritated smoothness. I don’t recommend using this as a hair/skin oil only because I haven’t tried it for that yet. Stick to using this product for its intended purpose and you will have a smoother shave with fewer cuts. (Shaving with oil is also a great solution for inconvenient shower goose bumps! I can’t be the only one that gets those.)

Nose Trimmer

After trimming my nose hairs with small beauty scissors for a while, I realized the risk of stabbing my brain wasn’t worth it. Sharing a nose trimmer is kind of weird (even if it’s washable) so maybe buy your own -- unless you’re not worried about boogies.


I love boy smell -- there’s nothing better than borrowing a boy’s T-shirt and rolling around in it. That kind of warm musky scent can be found in perfumes like Boyfriend by Kate Walsh and L’Occitane’s Ambre & Santal. Or you could just spray on some of this delicious Cuba Gold cologne. The slightly masculine vibe is seductive, and choosing a toilette keeps the scent from being overpowering. The packaging on this is also beyond cool –- it looks like a real cigar! Oh yeah, and it’s $5.

Lip Balm

I actually stole these lip balms from my dad. They were so glossy that he only used them at night. You will use every last drop of these because they are packed with shea butter and avocado oil -- sooooo moisturizing. They also taste/smell delicious.

Mustache and Beard Comb

Behold this perfect, classy, sophisticated, and aesthetically pleasing comb that puts my shitty dollar store rat-tail comb to shame! I shall tease my hair with you from my recliner by the fire while smoking a pipe.

Hair Wax

This product is for all my shorthaired ladies. When I had a pixie cut a few years ago, I used TIGI Workable Wax to style my bangs and get a cool piece-y texture. This is a perfect example of a men’s hair product being superior to the female version –- this is virtually unscented, gives a matte finish, and has dope packaging. I love how the metal tin looks against the paper bag-like label!

Body Scrub Soap

I don’t understand how people shower without using a washcloth or shower pouf . . . How do you properly get your stink and crust off?? This scrub body soap is for all of the homies whose shower antics leave me shaking my head. Get rid of that dry skin!

If you know me, you know that I’m obsessed with beauty products. The obsession is real, and not gender specific. If you guys try any of these products or have some “grooming” recommendations of your own, let me know!

Follow Courtney on Twitter and Instagram @courtneypizza