Pinch Me And Die! Don't You See My Green Eyeliner?

Just enough green to stave off the drunk, grabby, one-day-a-year Catholics.
Publish date:
March 15, 2013
eyeliners, sephora, Pantone, St. Patrick's Day

Nothing could make me G half an F about St. Patrick's Day. My only memories of it are my dad making me and my brother wake up early to go to the parade on Greenville Avenue (get it?). When I was little, it had the same whimsy and magic as what I'd imagine the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has.

Over the years, as I became less of a stupid child and more of a slightly less stupid tweenager, I began to realize that the Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade is just a roaming collection of the drunkest a-holes in Dallas. Like, gross drunk. Tequila out of a water gun drunk. They'd hand out gross off-brand candies and an occasional condom to the poor kids watching a dilapidated float being towed behind a blue Chevy Avalanche with a Jimmy Buffet cover band comprised of red-faced drunk dads in their early-'50s wearing bowling shirts and stupid hats.

Even though I don't know why my dad would insist on annually subjecting me to this, I should give him more credit. He actually caught a leprechaun once--Leppy--in our back yard when I was, like, 0-years-old. It was like, "GTFO and let me go!" and my Dad was all, "No way!" and so the leprechaun was like, "OK, I'll grant you a wish if you let me go," so my dad was like, "You should probably bring my kids presents every St. Patrick's Day."

So every St. Patricks day, Leppy comes and hides a present for us in the yard. And, in true a-hole style, my dad would help me and my brother make intricate leprechaun traps to catch the little jerk AGAIN! After he granted a wish and everything! Now, since Leppy's getting old and can't travel, you know, he sends us cards in the mail. With cash in them. With instructions to use on, like, food. LOL.

So that's cute, but I still hate St. Patrick's Day and despise people who think they can impose their religious beliefs onto others and freaking PINCH you if you're not wearing green. What is this, THE CRUSADES?

You're a total assclown if you do this, and there's no reasoning with assclowns, so like garlic is to vampires, or, like a gold tooth is to dweeby bar bros (details to come), here's some green eyeliner to wear so that nobody touches you innapropritely.

Sephora's doing that Pantone thing again, and this year's color happens to be "emerald" or "PANTONE 17-5641." Cool, so it's green. And they make this set of mini liquid liners, all apparently the same shade, but with a slightly different finish. Observe:

Nice right? I honestly probably won't step foot outside on Sunday. Saturday's a big day for me, though. I'm having brunch and then going to the Nike store to buy some shoes and maybe some snap-tear pants.

What are you doing this weekend?