SCIENCE SAYS: Your Feminine Face Is The Reason You're A Lonely Slut

A new study says men marry women with more masculine faces and prefer flings with women who've got estrogen oozing out of their pores.
Publish date:
June 25, 2013
science, studies, sex, relationships, femininity, science says

A few months ago, I publicly pondered why I've been single for seven years. I came up with several possible reasons, from being too self-deprecating to having no energy to socialize; but never once did I consider that men aren't seeing me as girlfriend material because my face is just too damn feminine.

No, really--it's science!

A British study published last week states--after making 393 straight dudes look at photos and answer questions and stuff--that men prefer to marry women with more masculine features, reserving flings for especially girly-faced ladies.

What makes a face feminine, you ask? Estrogen. I mean, that's literally estrogen's purpose. My handy-dandy dictionary tells me it promotes "the development and maintenance of female characteristics of the body."

OK, so the better-worded question is: What are feminine characteristics? Science says it's full cheeks, a small jaw, and full lips.

I think my cheeks, jaw and lips are pretty average-sized, but I'm not a scientist--what do I know?

So I polled my Facebook friends--always a great idea--asking them to rate the femininity of my face on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being Brawny-paper-towel-guy and 10 being definitely-all-X-chromosomes. The ones whose answers I could take seriously averaged out to an 8--pretty damn feminine. But none of them are scientists, either.

Regardless, I know one thing for sure: I've had multiple flings--hoo boy, have I flung!--and no serious relationships since getting divorced. The transitive property has never been my forte, but I think I can conclude that my face is just TOO FEMININE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY MEN. (And also that my face was, against scientific odds, more masculine when I was younger, thus explaining why someone married me when I was 24.)

I asked the most feminine-faced person I know, Hannah, if men are constantly not proposing marriage to her and, instead, trying to have torrid flings and affairs with her.

Her answer: "I have a feminine face, but I also have a bitchface, so if I find anything with men, it's that they're afraid of me."

I smell another study!

What do you think? Does the study make any sense to you? Should I try to masculinize my face with makeup tricks to see if men suddenly start throwing promise rings at me?