The EU Banned Animal-Tested Cosmetics And I Should Care

It's great news! But I honestly don't care that much...
Publish date:
March 18, 2013
hair, skin, nails, animal testing, in the news, bunnies

So I saw that the EU has banned the sale of animal-tested cosmetics while perusing Reddit when I was supposed to be writing content for xoVain. I thought, “Whoa! Ok, this is relevant to me.” So I tweeted about it.

Then I sat and thought. OK, I should have something intelligent to say--ANY sort of insight or comment or acknowledgement beyond a stupid tweet, right? Content should be oozing from my fingertips onto my keyboard like clickitty-clack-click. I SHOULD HAVE AN OPINION.

But, here’s where stuff gets interesting: I don’t. I don’t really burn with rage on the inside or hear tiny bunny screams when somebody mentions “animal testing.” Of course I wish that it didn’t happen; I wish nothing bad ever happened to animals or humans or plants or buildings that burn down or sinkholes.

Understand: I love fur. And meat and even eggs sometime--if they’re cooked right and don’t have a weird, slimy consistency and runny yolks. Mostly fur, though. I'm aware that animals are hurt so that I may enjoy these things. Would the hypocrisy hall monitors smugly wrapped their orange mesh safety vests call me out if I were to exhalt the EU in their valiant efforts to save the bunnies over a dainty mug of chicken consommé? Or can I pick and choose which animal-harming practices to hate on? Should I just do whatever I want and think and say whatever I want? (By the way, I would never wear rabbit fur anything. Just ask Olivia.)

Maybe I’m just this lusty stupid young human drowning in my unchaste desire to lunch on seared, bloody filets while draped in blue mink, a freshly sharpened Le Crayon and some aubergine velvet L’Absolu Rouge, which are at the ready for post-carnage touchups in the soft abyss of my calfskin handbag.

I cleaned a fish within past two weeks. Like, stabbed a dull paring knife into its belly and gutted it and gently carved the soft meat from its needle-y spine. Sometimes I’ll pick out ingrown hairs with a needle just to watch myself bleed.

But enough about me! This is about the animals. If I’m not the one liberating the lab rats, I’m glad that there's people out there who are. It honestly doesn’t make a difference to me how a brand (or the government--who’s in charge here?) decides if a product is safe for use, but I do get a pleasant surge of soft bunny-ear warmness when I see the “Not Tested On Animals” label.

So, congratulations to the EU Commission on their most recent step toward ending cosmetic animal testing. Thanks, in part at least, to Sienna Miller, who was one of the biggest advocates of the new rule and who also loves fur.

Bummer salutations to cosmetics tycoons who think that the ban will jeopardize “the industry’s ability to innovate.” Surely they’ve figured out by now that if they just keep hawking minimalistic Swedish stuff, keep doing-it-to-it in the nail game, throw some product on Kate Moss and add her signature to the packaging, they’ll be just fine.

Wait, just kidding, more about me. If you’re just another ignorant jerk lounging around in your black shearling amidst piles of cosmetics, at least half of which were definitely swabbed onto the eyeballs of some poor little mouse baby, while dreaming of drippy SXSW sidewalk pork tacos, let’s get educated.

Thank GOD for younger me, who studied up on this topic back in 2005 for her huge, important, do-or-die, ninth-grade research paper. We worked, like, all semester on it in Mrs. Fixler’s class, who was the HBIC teacher-wise at the Freshman Center. I think we all know who the HBIC was student-wise.

Her name was Mollie.

So anyway, the grade sheet speaks for itself: I totally killed it and thus jumpstarted my path toward future “editor” Annie. **giggles** Have you read my article on how to cover your vagina tattoo? Or maybe my guide to getting DSL in time for the holidays? Should I forward these to all of my English professors past? (And, yes school is important, and yes I made excellent grades throughout.)

Here are some of the brilliantly written highlights:

OK, you’ve held out long enough. Comment on what you've been dying to criticize me on: my use of Comic Sans. I’d also like to add that plenty of my most favorite brands do not test on animals! Kate Somerville, Lush, and OCC are the three at the top of my mind right now, what are some of your favorites?