MIRACLE PRODUCT ALERT: F*&ck Falsies! This Little Beauty Will Give You The Baddest Lashes EVER.

You'll never have to bother with false eyelashes again with this in your make up bag. TRUEFAX.

As you may know, if you have eyes, I am partial to a coat or two of mascara. Mascara to me is a necessity. Not because I don't like my face without it, but because it IS my face.

My eyelashes, baby fine and albine, need souping up in order to make me look like me, and I like them glossy and thick. If you hate the thought of wearing excessive amounts of make-up, then this article might confuse and anger you.

Now, I know a lot of people prefer a more natural look in the eye-make up stakes, but not me. I like dramatic. I like thick sweeps of liner, framed with as a thick and full a lash as I can muster. I work my way through a tube every month and a half or so, trying a different one every other time but I always arrive back to my trusty favourites.

For my dramatic eye, I always go for voluminising, thickening and the blackest black I can find. I run a mile at the words "natural look!" and nothing pisses me off more than brown mascara. WHYYYYY? It's just so pointless. If I were going to wear brown mascara, I'd just get my eyelashes tinted instead. And don't get me started on clear mascara! That's only good for tidying my unruly eyebrows up.

Now I'm not saying that I don't enjoy these things on other people, oh I do. I'm an equal opportunities make-up admirer. I think a slick of Vaseline on lashes teamed with a bare face can look absolutely stunning. But know this, you will have to pry my mascara from my cold, very dead hands as my face is NOT MY FACE without fuckloads of it on.

I say that -- however I just spent 5 days on holiday wearing zero mascara at all during the day, as swimming in the sea with mascara on is a mug's game and wearing make-up to the beach just isn't my vibe, even though I live, breathe and wank make-up and beauty products in every other situation. I find heading to the beach with a completely clean face, laying in the sun and then returning back to the hotel in the evening and transforming myself from boy-child to woman-type-person again is THE MOST FUN EVER.

Watching my eyes pop back out of my face again after all day looking like a mole is really quite amazing.

Despite this ode to mascara and BIG LASHES, I have to admit that I absolutely hate wearing false lashes. I find them fiddly, the glue always dries out (because I lose the lid), it's a massive faff getting them on, then you get pissed and go to the loo later on and realise half of one of them has come unstuck and you look like a Black Widow has been mating on your face.

Sometimes though, mascara on its own just isn't enough. Sometimes you really need to pull out the big guns. Make an impression. Sometimes you need to hunt down that wonder product that can really smash the shit out of everything else you've ever tried. Ladies and Gentlemen (Hi, Tynan! Love you, Sugartits), I give you....Japonesque Fast Lash.

This little wand is the answer to your anaemic-lashed prayers. The tube holds synthetic fibres which bond to your lashes and create a max-drama look in LITERALLY seconds.

You apply a coat of your normal mascara, and while still wet (do one eye at a time) you roll the wand gently over your lashes and cover them so that they look furry and white. I then tapped my lashes gently so that any excess fell away. You then apply mascara over the top, and the fibres expand and lengthen instantly, giving you a big and bold look.

I cannot eulogise enough about this. I won't wear it every day, but for big occasions where I want to work a real high drama eye (more high drama than my already quite full-on daily make-up), it is perfection wrapped in plastic. I am in love.

Are you partial to a dramatic eye every now and again? What's the best plumping and voluminising mascara you've tried? Maybe you think I have horrible spider lashes and wouldn't be seen dead with that much make-up on? Most importantly, did you miss me while I was away? TELL ME!

I'm on Twitter and Instagram - @Natalie_KateM