I'll Try Anything Once: Lip Tattoos

While the big paper appliques are on your lips, you will look so funny you will laugh yourself silly and entertain any interns you happen to have around.

Aug 25, 2011 at 11:00am | Leave a comment

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I am known for initiating interns by making them do weird things, like take pictures of my breasts. It was in this spirit that I called our newest intern to come into the bathroom with me, lock the door and bring a camera. But I was not sexually harassing Intern Olivia. And I never would! She is a special little duckling that I want to draw near to me and make my protege.

I was just testing out these new lip tattoos from Violent Lips, which work just like those temporary tattoos you got out of the quarter machine as a child and come in crazy patterns like polka dots, fishnets, stripes, hearts, fishnets and animal prints. I DO NOT condone violence in lips, but these are totally the NEXT LEVEL of makeup technology. Like nail art for your lips!

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To apply, you just trim the appliques down to match your lip size (there are cut lines on the back to help you), then peel off the back and press the tattoos flat against your lips. It says to use a cotton ball or makeup sponge to wet the back, but I just used some toilet paper.

While the big paper appliques are on your lips, you will look so funny you will laugh yourself silly and entertain any interns you happen to have around.

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When you've laughed your fill (or after 40 seconds, as the directions state), just pull off the applique and your lips will look like this:

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We actually had to redo the bottom lip, and its still slightly imperfect, but for the most part these came out looking really good the first time around, and I am not good at this sort of thing at all. If you're usually pretty good at applying makeup or doing crafty things with your hands, this will be a breeze.

Normally I love attention -- negative, sexual, any kind that is available to me -- but even with my insatiable love-sized hole, I get tired of the constant comments on my lip tats -- the doorman, the cashier at the deli, everybody feels compelled to say something about the lips. Considering I used to flash my breasts and ass during karaoke, it's good to know that lip tattoo attention is where I draw the line.

But what about durability? Well, I wouldn't really recommend you wear these out to a fancy dinner date, but I did eat a banana just fine. More importantly, I drank two Coke Zeros, which is good because when you're out at 'da club in these things, I presume you're gonna wanna get your drink on.

But I know you sluts just really wanna know if you can tongue-kiss in these things. Well, I didn't find anyone to do that stuff with in the office, but after a day of normal lip usage, my lips actually look better. It sort of blended. So, slurp away!

I'm going to postulate that you could even S a D with these things, which is perfect since I actually can't think of a better destination for tattooed lips than some sort of high-end fetish party ala One Leg Up. They are $9.99 for 3 tattoos and I have like two more packs here that I don't even know what to do with. I don't go out that much. Do you guys want them? I'll give them away if so, and if you promise to send in pictures when you use them.

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