I’LL TRY ANYTHING ONCE: Kleenex Eating For Appetite Suppression!

Behold! I ate some tissues, and there’s video.
Publish date:
December 1, 2011
weight loss, healthy, crazy diets, i'll try anything once

WELL. First watch this video that Jane shot on her iPhone, and then come back to me:

OK, so obviously I’m not ENDORSING this for anyone. I do a million stupid things every day and will always write about them, but I’m not ENDORSING them to anybody.

[ALSO: as beauty director I feel compelled to tell you that my hair does NOT usually look like that. I recently FRIED it and then I haven't brushed it in four days, so it's INSANE and frizzy and triangle shaped. It will calm down in a week or so. Peroxide can act like a shitty perm.]

Case in point: eating Kleenex for appetite suppression! Truth be told, I did it mainly to cheer up Jane, who has wanted me to do it ever since I pitched it months ago and then lazily never followed through. Jane was in a bummed-out mood yesterday, so I grabbed a Kleenex box and proceeded to woo her. This is what we call playing the “Mascot” role in the Alcoholic & Dysfunctional Families Codependent Model, and if there’s anything that the staff of xoJane is and always will be, it’s an alcoholic and dysfunctional codependent family. Oops!

Anyway, eating Kleenex is nothing new, though every time a celebrity talks about it the media acts like it is. Janet Jackson spoke recently about how it’s quite the thing in Hollywood, telling Piers Morgan, "It's crazy, it's crazy. That's why I think a lot of the women today swing in the opposite direction. They're under eating. Some of the stories I hear... I'm not going to name names (but) this is the worst. Eating tissue, Kleenex, so it fills the stomach. So you're full. So you don't want another bite to eat and so that's what you eat."

And also models and ballerinas famously do it. I know for a fact that one iconic, now sexy-grandma aged supermodel (in her sixties) still does it, and I know this because I know her former publicist.

So, like most things that are terrible for you but allegedly make you skinny, I have always been way interested in trying it. And so one day, I was on an airplane and feeling hungry but with no way to get any food. I had some Kleenex in my bag. And so I did!

It went down pretty easily; it tasted like nothing. No one saw me do it (I was very sneaky and tore it up in to bits), and if they had, I would have given them the deathstare. And it basically suppressed my appetite for like an hour, or at least tricked my mind into thinking that it did. I did not eat another one an hour later. I was not that ambitious.

Yesterday’s Kleenex, as seen in the above video, was not nearly as delicious. It was some sort of lotion-infused, anti-bacterial trendy tissue, and it tasted really gross and tangy dipped in my seltzer like that.

But as you can see, I ate it with ease! And I wasn’t hungry for an hour and a half.

As I predicted in the video, I had no digestive problems or stomachache or anything! NONE. I'm a Virgo and Virgo rules the lower digestive track; what can I say. The only time when I ever feel sick is when I do opiates.

That said, it’s not like the effects last all day or anything. I was eating hungrily within a few hours. I’m not going to keep eating Kleenex all day, mang! It’s boring! If I wanted to get full on something boring, I’d go with dick or oatmeal. Ya heard?

Anyway, as a weight loss technique, I give this shit a D+. If you’re going to suffer the indignity of eating Kleenex all day, you might as well just go for a fucking run, you know? Or at least a walk with headphones. At the end of the day, when we’re body-hating (and I am -- OFTEN), we have to remember that exercise makes us feel good. Dumb diet stuff doesn’t.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever tried or heard of to lose weight?

Follow Cat on Twitter here! She and Emily are in a followers contest and she's losing.