I Like Sitting in My Own Dirt: Why Bathing is Showering's Better, Sexier Cousin

I don’t have children or pets so I have the luxury of time, time I can spend wallowing in my own filth for as long as I want.

Feb 8, 2013 at 12:30pm | Leave a comment

At the moment it is cold and miserable outside, and Spring seems like it is EONS away and all I want to do is sit under a duvet in my living room and watch Netflix and eat popcorn covered in butter and sugar and probably salt as well, because I am disgusting.

I want to just lay there and have people bring me refills of orange squash by the pint, and I’ll probably just wee off my balcony so I don’t have to bother actually trekking it all the way to the bathroom. Anyway, I digress. It’s cold.

I hate showering in the morning. I hate having to drag myself out of bed -- already difficult –- and then TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES in the cold. Eugh.

There is nothing worse, NOTHING, than getting out of the shower in the morning, when it’s freezing cold in your flat because you’re trying to be good with the central heating and not have it on too much because it ends up costing more than your rent, and the floor is cold! And the towels on the radiator are cold! And you end up hop-skip-and-jumping across the room into your bedroom where you chuck on any old crap you can find that isn’t covered in melted ice-cream or toothpaste and thank the sweet lord that you have clothes covering those nipples that could slice through steel once again.

Instead, I cheat and treat myself to a lovely, long, hot bath the night before. Now, I don’t have children or pets so I have the luxury of time, time I can spend wallowing in my own filth for as long as I want. It’s probably my favourite pastime.

There is simply no greater pleasure, other than maybe sinking a Big Buford from Checkers, than slipping into a scaldingly hot bath in the half dark, with some candles a-glow and something good to read.

People who don’t like baths are crazy people who I don’t trust. Why would you prefer to STAND UP and wash, when you can lay down and stay completely immobile while it happens for you? God, I am lazy.

Here’s my menu for a perfect bath. Enjoy!

To start, inform anyone you live with that you will require the full usage of the bathroom for at least half an hour. If they need to use the bathroom during this time, TOUGH. That’s what sinks are for.

Get your reading material. I like to save up all the best bits in the weekend supplements, or dip into Luca Turin and Tania Sanchez’ perfume bible, "Perfumes, the A-Z Guide." If you’re interested in perfume at all, you need this book. It’s the ultimate in all things fragrant, and makes for great bath time reading.

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If you are at all intrigued by fragrance, you need a copy of this book. It is fabulous.

Get a selection of candles of your choice. For bath-time relaxation, I’ve been blissing out with this Jonathan Ward London double-wicker in "Gypsy." It’s a hand poured artisan candle of loveliness, with notes of carnation, sandalwood, rose, jasmine, ylang ylang, bergamot, patchouli, amber and cedarwood. It’s scent is also kind of raunchy so you could definitely make some sweet/ferocious love to it.

Light candles.

Run the hot tap. I’m not trying to teach you to suck eggs here, but it really grind my gears when people run the hot and cold together in the beginning. The cold goes in later, people!

Chuck a load of bath stuff of your choice in there. Currently, I like German brand Weleda’s Lavender Bath Milk, which although it isn’t a foamer, it is lovely. It’s full of essential oils, and is a great one for before bed as the scent is really calming and soothing.

If you like your bath to be full of bubbles, Molten Brown wins. I love the Warming Eucalyptus Bath and Shower Therapy for a really revitalising bath with tons of bubbles. The Paradisiac Pink Pepperpod Bath & Shower is also delicious.

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This amount of foam is from the tiniest amount of the Molten Brown bubble bath. SO MANY BUBBLES!

NOW the cold goes in. But still run the hot tap too, so it’s so hot and you end up with varicose veins and potentially a stroke. My Favourite Royal Ever™, Princess Margaret, once got really drunk and got in a bath that gave her 2nd degree burns. That’s the level of heat I’m aspiring to here. (Please note I do realise that having your bath really hot is bad thing and I do not encourage you to actually burn yourself.)

Lay back. Relax. Read. Inhale those saucy fumes. Perfection!

Things not to do in the bath: Shave. Wait until you shower. There’s nothing worse than all those little itty bitty stubbley bits all in the bottom of the tub when you get out. Skeeves me out. Also, hair washing. I always do it and then instantly regret it because your hair will NEVER get clean when you’re washing it in a load of essential oils. I learn this the hard way, every single time.

Do you love bathing? How do you like yours? Is bathing disgusting? What should I read in the bath?

I’m usually on Twitter whilst in the bath - @Natalie_KateM