A few weeks ago, my maintenance man was working in my apartment, and I accidentally (honest!) bent over to pick up something, inadvertently showing him my ass. I contemplated not tipping him, as that visual freebie was a damn good gratuity.
Why? Because my ass is absolutely perfect (or so I’ve been told). Not because it’s as plush and pillow-y and rotund as say, a one bubble butt Nicki Minaj, but because it’s as soft and smooth as the day I was born.
I take great pride in ensuring every inch of the skin on my body -- ass obviously included -- is as flawless as the skin on my face. I mean, I never know when it’s going to make an unexpected appearance, and I definitely don't want to be known as the girl with the bumpy, ashy ass. Could you imagine? (Quelle horreur!)
Care to learn the art of buffing your butt and annihilating ass acne? Here’s my fabulous fanny regimen:
1) Thrice weekly, I rub all up on my non-plump rump with Ole Henricksen’s Rub ‘N Buff Salt Scrub ($48 at Sephora.com). Massaging it into my skin with a clockwise and counterclockwise motion helps scrub off rough, dry skin cells that typically manifests into unsightly keratosis pilaris (a.k.a. posterior pimples). Also, it’s formulated with lemongrass oil, which is a natural antiseptic that helps obliterate sweat- and sebum-related bacteria that can settle deep into your cheek’s pores. (If $50 feels a tad bit too pricy, here’s a great tutorial on how to make your own. DIY that bitch!)
The other four days I supplement with The Body Shop Bath Gloves ($5 at TheBodyShop-USA.com). These super gentle exfoliating mitts leave you with a perfectly polished posterior in 60 seconds flat.
2) Here’s the kicker: Pond’s Cold Cream ($4.99 at Drugstore.com). Slather it all over your ass. Yes. I’m serious. Wax that shit on, wax that shit off. It’s like a butt facial, or asscial, if you will.
Follow up with your regular moisturizer and you’re good to go. Trust me -- the next time he smacks or kisses your keester, either his lips or his fingers will linger.
Follow India-Jewel’s other random musings over on Twitter at @IndiaJewelJax