It's gonna get sappy up in here.
Say what you want about Hustler magazine and pornography in general, but I am PRO. PRO PRO PRO. In my twisted but sexy and fiercely liberal mind, Larry Flynt took a bullet for the First Amendment that paralyzed him permanently from the waist down so that I can sit here today, cursing about beauty products and writing about porn!
Yes, it is good to be an American, and don’t think I forget it. Well, most of the time I forget it and want to be British, but whatever. The point is, I love Hustler! So much so that I collect vintage ones from the 1970s and ‘80s.
The beauty looks alone are worth the purchase of them (and, BTW, I grossly buy them used from my favorite bums used book sellers on the street in Greenwich Village). Just look at the hot red, pointy manicure on the cover of the issue pictured above.
Plus, there’s the best headline ever ever ever: “WHY SOME WOMEN ARE SLUTS.” Should Emily "I Heart Men Who Heart Whores" McCombs and I co-author the book? Jane can write the foreward.
ANYWAY, I am soo very obsessed with the Hustler empire. I even shop the Hustler Hollywood store online! And I know you have all seen xoJane.com columnist Courtney Love starring alongside Woody Harrelson and my man Ed Norton in “The People Vs. Larry Flynt", for which she was robbed of an Oscar nomination.
ANYWAY, the point of all this rambling is that I know someone who used to work at Hustler, as online editor, as recently as last year. I say “used to” work there because dude got fired … then he went on a crazy Twitter rant and blew up everyone’s spot.
For example, a couple of months prior to this Larry Flynt had started a Twitter account that I fawned over and retweeted to death. And THEN, one day Larry tweeted back to ME! As his #1 fan, I was so thrilled that I practically threw up.
I think I wrote back in all caps, something to the effect of: “OMIGGODDD LARRY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH; THANK YOU FOR TAKING THAT BULLET FOR THE FIRST AMENDMENT!! UR MY HERO!” Yes, anyone who follows me on Twitter knows how I do: lamely.
But when this guy got fired, he went on HIS Twitter and was like, “By the way, I’M the Larry Flynt account. Larry doesn’t own a computer!”
Needless to say, I was NOT a happy Hustler.
But what was I even talking about in this post again? Hustler’s dirty little beauty secret: right-o. OK, so this was the best information my ex-friend (well, we weren't REALLY friends but he did send me free issues) from Hustler told me! He said that in the money shots -- don't pretend that you don't know what those are -- the "jizz" that's everywhere not real bodily fluid at all! It is actually just ...
Cetaphil cleanser! Yes, the #1 cleanser recommended by dermatologists to pour in your mouth and let ooze out for use on every skin type, from acne-prone to ultra-dry to super-sensitive.
It's the best product in the world! And now you know that if you ever do a crazy-slutty photo shoot at home (do you guys do that?), you don't actually have to get sperm all over you.
Thoughts? I know you have them. What's your favorite kind of pornography? You don't have to have one. Mine is ... vintage. Think Traci Lords. ANSWER IN THE COMMENTS SECTION s'il vous plait.
(P.S. Isn't the photo above cool? My friend Reza Nader -- known the Internetz as The Arab Parrot -- took it at my house and let me use it, so thank you, Rezo! You can look at his Los Angeles/New York streets-sex-and-party-photography-meets-fine-arts blog here: like Larry Flynt, he is often pervy. I'm into it, but just to warn you.)