Oh, don't pretend like you don't have one!
I take my time showing interest in beauty products--even the ones that promise the world. But unusually named products get my attention every time. Nothing makes me reach for my wallet faster than a French perfume titled Delicious Closet Queen or a shampoo beer soap from a company named Meow Meow Tweet.
Today I'm going to share seven interesting finds with you--from egg white soap to Okra Winfrey conditioner. Most of them don't deliver on their guarantees, but, hey, it's always awesome to say you use Bunnies From Venus on your armpits. Always.
Get Gorgeous from The Republic of Tea wins most cringe-worthy label. It reads: “Let’s get one thing clear. True beauty comes from within.” Cue eye roll. This caffeine-free herbal tea helps to achieve clear skin via antioxidants found in the South African plant rooibos. Three to four cups daily are suggested. The taste is like hot water with a hint of earthiness--not bitter, not sweet. Just, you know, earthy water, which reminds me: it's time to steep what feels like my hundredth cup. I’ll let you know if anything changes after the 36th tea bag!
I laughed hysterically as I added this $15 (!) deodorant to my online basket. With a selection of scents like My Pet Blanket, Pirate Booty, and Bunnies From Venus, there was no resisting it. The Pits Veggie Deodorant is aluminum-free; instead of preventing perspiration it “returns sweat molecules to their non-stinky state.” Why, yes, that does sound like mumbo jumbo. But then again, the gel is neither drying nor sticky and the scent (vanilla, amber, and musk) is fresh and flowery. I also didn’t need to reapply during the day and I liked the fact that the gel wasn’t visible on my skin color.
Fortune Cookie Soap Steam Me Up Scotty! The Sweet Spot
The Steam Me Up Scotty! from Fortune Cookie Soap is a scented fizzy for “an aromatherapy type shower experience.” Since Flying Monkeys was sold out, I ordered The Sweet Spot for a specific kind of adventure (emoticon wink). The scent is an overpowering mixture of melon, strawberries, peaches, oranges, and pineapple. The directions instructed to place the fizzy at the back of the shower, on the floor, and let the steam handle the rest. Unfortunately, it just ended up smelling like spilt shampoo. Hate to say it, but the combination of scented soap, shampoo, conditioner, and fizzy was just too much to tolerate.
Eiwit Zeep Eggwhite Soap
This Belgian beauty bar is--surprise, surprise--made with pure egg whites to add firmness to the skin. It also has chamomile and lecithin to create a smooth, glowing complexion. I wasn’t buying it, though, since a box of six sells for $20 on Amazon. WHY SO CHEAP, BRUH?
Anyway, after removing my makeup, I lathered the soap onto my face and neck as per the instructions. Then I let it sit for five minutes before rinsing. And of course, my doubts were put to rest: there was no irritation, my pores appeared smaller, and I had a slight glow. After using this twice daily for two weeks I now understand the allure. A++.
Sudsatorium Okra Winfrey Conditioner
I hate okra, but I love Ms. Winfrey. Thus, I decided to roll the dice with Sudsatorium's Okra Winfrey Conditioner. The conditioner is made of okra (for protein), corn silk (to soften strands), green grapes (to tone), balsamic vinegar (for shine), grape seed oil (for hydration), and lavender oil (to soothe the scalp). While I found it hard to detangle my hair using Okra Winfrey, it ended up leaving no frizz in its wake. I’m more likely to use it as a protein treatment rather than a replacement for my current conditioner.
Haus of Gloi Moon Dog Handmade Soap
Haus of Gloi is another vegan business with handmade bath and beauty goods that feature fun product names, such as Cozy Sweater, Madcap Garden, and Moon Dog. The soaps are all made in small batches and consist of coconut, vegetable oils, and shea and cocoa butters. And if you’re wondering, the scent of dogs roaming around the moon is a mixture of coconut, sandalwood, and nutmeg. So yes, it makes you want to cuddle with a fury creature. Plus, the lather is creamy and the formula isn’t drying. Skin is left feeling silky and smooth.
Long Winter Co. keeps you smelling like a unicorn fart with a selection of perfume oils, skin creams, lip balms, and bath soak! Hashtag #blessed. The best way I can explain the scent is that it's like chewing spearmint gum while eating cotton candy.
I opted for the bath soak and used a little more than a tablespoon. It’s hard to be generous when the smell is unreal and there’s dried flowers in the mix. Be careful, though: The soak had me drifting off to sleep, which then had me panicking I would drown and never be discovered.
Do you get caught up in weird product names? What's the strangest one you've come across? Also, someone please take this tea away from me...