Join Me On My Month-Long Journey To Whiter Teeth, Won't You?

If I don’t see improvement, I swear, I will schedule a professional whitening treatment.

Working at a talent agency, I literally come face to face every day with the fact that my Midwestern good looks are much more Dove ad and much less Agent Provocateur. I am a troll amongst superhumans in my line of work--a troll with some serious coffee- and wine-stained teeth which will soon be taken care of with three products and a one-month trial.

Models and actors get gawked at, they’re traffic stoppers, they have great faces with GREAT TEETH. I’m not usually one to be fawned over, although one time, walking home after buying a bottle of red wine, two bags of shredded cheese and a take-home pizza at my local hot spot, Walgreens (wild night, right?), a homeless man asking for change told me I looked like a "famous actress.” I smiled, gave him a dollar and walked away thinking, “He wouldn’t say that to just anyone.” Flattery gets you everywhere or at least a dollar and some change with me.

I don’t look like any famous actors or models, but I am going to try to get perfectly bright, white teeth this month. Because if there’s anything I do a lot, it’s smile and laugh. I want to look good doing it.

So, I'll begin an at-home teeth-whitening regimen for one month, and if I don’t see improvement, I swear on the beautiful god-like beings around me, I will schedule a professional whitening treatment.

Here’s what my regimen for the next month will look like:

Hydrogen Peroxide

Every morning, swish with 3% hydrogen peroxide, a bleaching agent. You can buy this at any drugstore. This is a very low-grade and simplistic substitute I’m going to try in replacement of the 38% carbamide peroxide (which is a combination of hydrogen peroxide and urea) used in professional whitening treatments.

Sonic Toothbrush

Every morning and evening, brush for two minutes with a sonic toothbrush. I do not know if these are superior to standard, non-vibrating toothbrushes, but the timer has helped me in brushing longer, and I’m interested to find out if this will make a difference in eliminating stains.

Rembrandt 2 Hour Whitening Kit

I will do this twice during the one-month regimen, once at the beginning of the second week and once more at the beginning of the last week.

Wanna do this with me? Have you been told you look like a famous actor? Or are you a hybrid with Peter Dinklage’s height, Kate Winslet’s body type, and Sarah Michelle Gellar’s eye-shape, but with like soon to be great teeth, like me?