Oh, don't pretend like you don't have one!
It’s been a while since I’ve been on vacation. My idea of a
break is taking a bath on Saturday night, then marathoning Downton Abbey.
Luckily, I have friends whose lives I can live vicariously through (what are
friends for?) like my BFF Natalia who, about six months ago, announced to me
that she was quitting her high-stress architecture job to travel around the
world for several months.
Why even fake happiness? I was extremely jealous about my
friend’s dream-life scenario. Her impending adventure would take her to
Istanbul, Athens, Madrid, Berlin, Copenhagen, and all over Southeast Asia.
Meanwhile, I would be left behind, grinding away in NYC, while Natalia went all
eat, pray, love on my ass.
“Yeah, have fun finding yourself, beesh”, I told her
after I promised to make fun of her inevitable bandana when she returned.
OK, deep (really deep) down I was happy for my amiga. Aside from the overwhelming feeling of
envy, I knew I was most upset about missing my friend, the only person in the
world who shared my demented sense of humor. Who else could I wassap in the
middle of the night for a Karlie Kloss discussion?
Thanks to the miracle of modern technology, I was surprisingly
able to keep in touch with my friend while we were on opposite sides of the
world. She would tell me about all of the weird and funny things that were
happening to her like when her entire toenail fell off (WARNING: picture not
safe for life) in
Istanbul or when she visited the beach from The Beach and pretended that she
was Leo DiCaprio. And yes, the fact that she didn’t pretend to be Tilda still
*Moby playing in the background*
After I saw this bottle of pigeon oil posted on her Instagram, I dared Natalia
to collect weird beauty items from every country she visited. I once dared this
girl to eat a raw onion at a party and she did, so I knew she would ante up
and, at the very least, send me some amazing photos or videos.
Natalia finally returned to Brooklyn and inevitably crashed on
our couch because she was a dirty hippy traveler at this point whose only
possessions included a dream journal and an assortment of beautiful sarongs.
Luckily, I forgave her new ways after she threw down her enormous backpack on
my couch and emptied out a treasure trove of exotic beauty supplies.
There were face masks containing green tea, collagen, bee
venom, and snail goop dumped out before me. The words “volcanic breast mask”
were uttered, but the most mysterious and intriguing product I saw was a tiny
block of a yellow chalk-like substance with an indiscernible label that she had
picked up in Myanmar.
Natalia couldn’t remember the name of this particular product
but showed me video of a local Myanmar woman making it by grinding up some root, then applying it to her face, leaving streaks to enhance the contours of their
This mystery products is used by locals as a face mask, sunscreen, and
contouring makeup. It can be worn alone or under makeup all day.
I decided to try it out by wetting my chalky block, then rubbing
it on my face right before I had to head to a work meeting. Photographing this
mask was pointless once I realized that this yellow chalky substance matches my
natural skin color almost exactly.
I was thinking I would apply makeup over it and head to my
meeting, but it just looked crumbly and awkward on me without the expert
application of a Myanmar expert.
The envy was creeping back in along with panic as I washed the
yellow crumbs of my crummy yellow skin and realized the yellow chalk sucked all
the oil off my face--precious oil that I needed during the polar vortex! My
mini exotic beauty adventure was literally going down the drain.
I decided to reach for the next product that Natalia brought me
of menthol peppermint oil from Thailand that was intended to soothe and calm my
nerves. I don’t know if it was the essential oils or the old wise man staring
out at me on the package, but I felt better.
I decided to try the Watsons Bird’s Nest Whitening & Firming Facial Mask that
Natalia picked up in Hong Kong. This mask apparently contains parts of actual
bird’s nests, so it definitely satisfied my desire to try out a WTF beauty
Natalia told me it was difficult to find beauty products in
Asia that didn’t claim to be whitening. I’m already a ghostly-pale person, but I
thought this mask might give me a less jaundiced complexion.
My skin tone stayed the same, but I was pleasantly surprised at
how soft and supple my skin felt after the mask. At least I could go to work
without my face flaking off. I took it as a win.
Natalia and I also did some exotic mask sheets together--green tea for me and collagen for her--while we blew into the backsides of
Vietnamese ceramic animal flutes and my husband side-eyed us in the corner.
Some things just ain’t the same when you’re a world apart.
I feel all lovey-dovey knowing that not only was my friend
thinking of me during her trip, but she knows me so well.
So who can tell me what the packaging on the yellow chalk