Oh, don't pretend like you don't have one!
I've been waiting 365 days to say this: welcome to xoHalloween!
My favorite holiday is here, and am I ever excited for it! We've all been cooking up some amazing tricks and treats for you guys, and I can't wait to share them all with you. You're going to freak.
So to get you all in the Halloween-y spirit, I've ranked famous monsters (and the monster-adjacent) on the strength of their spooooky beauty game. Who will be number one? There's only one way to find out!
22. Teen Wolves
This feels like a missed opportunity. If you’re going to sprout all that extra facial hair, you should DO something with it. Flowers, maybe. Whatever's going on here, definitely. Playing sports and having emotions seems like a waste of time and follicular greatness.
He gets points for commitment to a look, but dear god, man. WASH YOUR FACE.
We all love a man in pink, but shouldn’t that be FRANKENBERRY’S MONSTER?
I wish I could have been in the development meetings for this character. "Like Frankenstein, but goofy looking. No, make his head more like a butt. Wait, kids like robots, too? Maybe have some mechanical stuff sticking out of his skull. And he should have strawberries instead of fingernails. Make him hot pink and he's PERFECT!"
I wonder if poor Carrie White knew that one day people would be paying big money to have blood dumped all over them? Way ahead of the vampire facial trend, this one.
You’ve taken the dermaroller thing TOO FAR.
It's called bronzer, Tom. Look into it.
16. The Creature from the Black Lagoon
The Creature obviously has a secret Holy Grail product--a bold, waterproof raspberry red lip color. If I'm going to be dragged to a watery grave by a fish-lizard monster, I at least want them to have great lipstick.
I was firmly on Team Spike back in the day. I wanted my imaginary vampire boyfriend to have SASS and CHEEKBONES and HAIR GEL. Yes, hair gel was mandatory. The '90s were a strange time.
However, I have questions about Spike’s hair: does it grow? Does he have to re-bleach his roots? If not, how do vampires live forever without their hair getting damaged and falling out? If so, doesn't that mean cell growth when vampires are technically dead? HOW DOES VAMPIRE BEAUTY WORK I NEED TO UNDERSTAND.
14. Lydia Deetz
Any girl unafraid to rock dark circles and pointy bangs while she takes on the forces of The Other Side is okay with me.
Obviously there have been many portrayals of Count Dracula over the years (my favorite being Count Duckula), but Bela Lugosi remains the classic.
The dark, slicked-back hair, the bold brows, the red lips, the excellent taste in neckwear...he’s so much more chic than the white-bearded, hairy-palmed version appearing in the Bram Stoker novel.
12. Emily, the Corpse Bride
Emily didn’t let a little thing like being murdered stop her from being the more glamorous zombie in the Land of the Dead. Pale pink lipstick and dark blue hair? Amazing color combination.
11. Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Sabrina Spellman was a hair ICON.
We should all aspire to have little bits of our hair pulled loose at the front to "frame our faces," because what could possibly be more flattering than HAIR BRACKETS to go with our superfluous barrettes and boring boyfriends? Exactly.
10. Village of the Damned
Silver-blonde hair. Blunt bobs. Bangs galore. I don’t care if these are evil alien children setting people on fire with their minds, they’re stylish as hell. Maybe (definitely) literally.
Icon, legend, perfect, etc. Instead of embracing the monochrome goth style, Elvira’s signature makeup look involves shades of hot pink, purple, blue, and red. Queen of Halloween (and going big or going home) forever.
8. Tiffany, aka Bride of Chucky
With her black lipstick, platinum blonde long bob (with fashionable roots) and dark red stiletto nails, Tiffany embraced most of our current beauty trends back in 1998. Stick some Cara Delevingne brows on her and she’d be Instagram famous by the end of the day.
Dramatic eyelashes? Check. Blush? Check. Curly beard? Check. Lobster claws? Uh, check (work with what you've got). Him is fabulous, non-binary, evil perfection in every way.
6. The Bride of Frankenstein
Even though the Bride is only onscreen for about three minutes, her striking look makes her just as memorable as the Monster himself. With her towering, streaked beehive, angular eyebrows, and slightly bee-stung lips, she’s a beauty classic.
YARN HAIR, DON'T CARE. Can you imagine how easy it would be to do your nails when you could just detach your hands at the wrists? Just saying.
4. The Sanderson Sisters
This trio never met a big look they didn’t love; I think Winfred Sanderson might be the only person who likes hot pink blush as much as I do. I KNOW they’re kind of evil, but I also really want long, platinum hair and bee-stung lips.
3. The Craft
I couldn’t put them at number one, although I wanted to. I’m sorry, Nancy, OK? I’m sorry!
The thing I like the best about these looks is that they’re not always oozing with obvious, costume-y menace. Most of the time they're just normal girls with barrettes, flipped hair, and A LOT of eyeliner hanging out, calling the corners and making horrible racists go bald.
2. Morticia Addams
Plus, she throws more shade than an elegant umbrella. That's admirable.
1. Death Becomes Her
This movie is one of my favorites of all time. The undead, immortal Madeline and Helen are unfailingly glamorous, even with backwards heads and holes shot through their stomachs. They even look amazing as crackly-faced decapitated heads; that's some strong beauty game right there.
Mad, Hel--you're flawless.
Now tell me: do you agree with my list? Did I miss any amazing characters? Which of these looks do you think I'll be recreating this year? Because I'm not going to spoil anything ahead of time, but there are two on this list. Take your best guesses in the comments!