Oh, don't pretend like you don't have one!
I hardly ever write an article in which I don’t mention my
man. It’s obnoxious, I KNOW, and even he has pointed it out to me. But y’all, I
just can’t help it. We live together, and he’s a big part of my life, and I’m a
gushy relationship monster who still gets excited about how in love I am.
He’s great, and when I’m not forcing him to make out with
me, I’m forcing him to help me take photos for these articles or tell me
how pretty I look. I also like to force beauty products on him because science.
Dude’s got oily skin and fine hair. (Also, a fine ass, but
more on that another time.) When I moved in, he wasn’t even washing his face
and bozo was using baking soda as shampoo.
Now, I’m all about being minimal (or
cheap) but sometimes you gotta put a little work into something to get
something out of it, right? So I’ll front the $6 for shampoo if it makes my
hair feel better. Baking soda every now and then is fine. But every time? Nah,
I’m not about that life.
So as we celebrate our one-year anniversary of living
together, let’s look back at all the beauty products I’ve forced on my
boyfriend and how he took to them.
Face Wash and Moisturizer
Like I said, Ryder wasn’t even washing his face. I mean, I
think sometimes he splashed water on it? When I moved in, I was mad unemployed
and just sitting at home all day, so I had a lot of time to plot and scheme and force
some skincare habits on him. Also, we kiss a lot, and that means if his face has
oils on it, they’re gonna get on my face!
First, I got him some Clean & Clear Essentials Foaming
Facial Cleanser. He was into this stuff. Even if you’re not washing off makeup,
it’s important to cleanse your face and get rid of all the grime that
accumulates throughout the day from our gross world. Also, he spends a lot of
time with his face pushed up against mine, so he probably does end up with some
makeup on it. Sorry, boo.
Official Boyfriend Review: “It’s good. It makes my face
clean. I like that it has a pump because that makes it easy to use. You can use
it with your hands, or a washcloth, or that thingy.”
More on that “thingy” later.
I saw a definite improvement in his skin after using this
for a while. His skin is brighter and clearer, and softer to touch.
I also hooked him up with some Clean & Clear Dual Action
Moisturizer (Oil Free). He was like, “Do I need this?” and I was like, “Yeah,” and
Official Boyfriend Review: “I like it.”
I will say this moisturizer is lightweight and does provide
good moisture without overwhelming oily faces. However, I have tried to use it
a few times and it does NOTHING for my already dry skin and has actually made
my skin breakout, which is why you shouldn’t use anything made for zits if you
don’t have zits. Duh.
A couple months after he started using that face wash, I
dragged him to The Body Shop with me because I wanted to try their Camomile
Sumptuous Cleansing Butter (which I clearly love). Ryder was all “Ugh” and “C’mon” like he is every time I drag him to the mall, but then HE always makes me spend, like, an hour in Express because he likes
their pants or something.
Anyway, we’re in The Body Shop and he’s wandering around
making jokes about lady products and I’m covering the back of my hand with
lipstick when he comes over with this bottle of face wash and is all puppy-eyed
and asks “Will you buy this for me?” He’s lucky I’m filthy rich. (JK, but he is lucky I love buying things.)
It was The Body Shop Tea Tree Skin Clearing Facial Wash.
Apparently, a Body Shop employee told him it was good for oily, acne-prone skin, and he was sold. He uses it less often than the Clean & Clear, but says he
Official Boyfriend Review: “It’s nice because it feels
tingly on my face.”
ARE YOU SOLD YET?
Tea tree oil has a strong scent. He and I both really like
it, but some people hate it. Also, apparently, it’s deadly for cats. This was
something I should not have taught my boyfriend, because he HATES my cat and will now probably force her to lick his
face and die. JK JK PLEASE DON’T THROW RED PAINT AT MY BF, PETA.
I use his tea tree oil wash about once a week, or when I’m
feeling a bit more oily than usual. It’s pretty drying, but also very soothing
and refreshing! Tingly, indeed.
The last face wash I introduced him to was LUSH Ocean Salt
Face and Body Scrub. I’m still not sure he totally understands this one. I
recently tried to explain that he can use it on his face or body and he just
stared at me. I really like this stuff, and also use it from time to time.
Official Boyfriend Review: “It’s salty and scrubby. I like
it, but it’s like super-exfoliating and it may be a little too much sometimes,
so be careful or it will feel like a layer of your skin has been removed.”
So after I got him on board the face-wash train, I was like,
“You know, maybe you should use something other than your hands to wash your
face.” Again, blank stares. Dude has a double major in math and philosophy and he's working towards a CFA charter, so he’s a certified genius but can’t wrap his adorable head
around half the crap I throw down. Primping ain’t easy, as you know.
“What else would I use?” he asked, and oh boy, was he
excited when I got him this present!
“Use this brush!” I exclaimed, handing him Sephora’s Face
Complexion Brush in hot pink.
And because he loves me and does what I say, he
began dutifully using the brush to wash his face.
I love these brushes because they’re gentle but they’re
great at lathering up and washing your face. (It’s important to rinse all the
product and stuff out thoroughly after each use.) Scrub it around your face in
tiny circles really fast and make a small buzzing noise with your mouth and
pretend you’re the kind of person who can drop $200 on a Clarisonic.
Official Boyfriend Review: “It’s sort of like a tooth brush
for your face, so that’s cool.”
Speaking of tools, I keep finding him using my blowdryer. At
first he said he just likes to get his hair dry quicker when he showers in the
morning, but recently I got a text that let me know the real reasoning behind
his newfound heat styling.
So he gets why blowdryers are great now. I usually keep a
diffuser on mine, and when I asked him if he knew what it was, he said, “Duck lips.” So
there you go.
Like I said, he was using baking soda when I moved in, and then he got some other stuff from the natural food store, which I felt OK about. Since I’ve started forcing products on him, though, his curiosity has
kicked in. He’ll ask about products I’m using, and he’ll try them, too. We
usually use the same shampoo and conditioner, but we have very different hair
so I’ve been encouraging him to find his own. My hair is dry and coarse, while
his hair is more oily and very fine.
So imagine my surprise when I came home to find some Bumble and bumble products chilling in our shower. I was like, “Damn, dude! Way to
step it up!”
And he was like, “Well, the girl who cuts my hair suggested
them, so I bought them.” Big ups to the girl who cuts his hair. Sup, Christina.
I also think he likes these products because they say “Bb”
on them and we are disgusting and call each other BB all day every day.
Ryder uses the Bb Seaweed Mild Marine Shampoo. It’s got
seaweed and sea salt and other sea things in it. He’s basically a mermaid now.
Official Boyfriend Review: “It’s great. I like it. What more
do you want me to say? It smells pleasant.”
I will tell you more. It keeps his hair soft and fluffy, and
helps keep it from getting flat on top and then getting stringy in his face.
His hair is definitely nicer when he uses this stuff.
He also got Semisumo pomade. He really liked the way it
looked in his hair when the stylist used it, but he’s still a bit unsure of how
to use it himself. Every now and then he gets it right and loves it. I’m
not much help with it because I’ve never used pomade really. It smells awesome, though.
Official Boyfriend Review: “It’s tricky, and I haven’t
figured it out yet. You put it in your hair. It’s hard to tell the right amount
to use, and how to best distribute it in my hair. Your hands need to be warm
when you use it. When done right, it works well.”
And that’s the story of how I’ve managed to brainwash my
boyfriend, and make him even prettier at the same time. Not that he needs to be
any cuter. I’d love him no matter what. (Hi bb.) He loves me even at my grossest,
which is often.