8 Things That Justify My Borderline-Creepy Love For Vaseline

I have feelings for it.

Oh, Vaseline! Thou art more greasy and much more fragrance-free than any other product out there. You are the wind beneath my wings. (OMG did I ever even tell you guys about my Bette Midler obsession? WE NEED TO TALK.)

Just to be clear, when I say Vaseline, I’m talking about the petroleum jelly made by the brand. (Like Kleenex, the brand name has just become the generic name for it.) I have always held Vaseline in very high esteem. I only have a few holy-grail beauty products, but this one tops my list.

For some reason, it's a bit of a controversial product--I read an internet troll state that you wouldn’t put it in your body, so you shouldn’t put it on your body. I wouldn’t put 100% of my beauty products in my body, so that makes no sense anyway.

My favourite thing about Vaseline, besides the super-low price and lack of scent (MUST every cream smell like lavender and wet cat?), is that it can be used in a million different ways. Here is my not at all extensive list:

Soft Lips

I have always been suspicious, and with good reason, that lip balms are addictive and actually dry your lips out in the long run. Because Vaseline doesn’t work like lip balms, this is not the case.

Petroleum jelly actually coats your lips to prevent moisture loss, meaning that your body’s own moisture is just being preserved and not tampered with.

In cold months, I only need to apply Vaseline to my lips once a day--before bedtime--and my lips are supple 24/7. While you’re doing this, you can go ahead and apply it to your cuticles as well. You’re welcome.

Eczema Control

Those of you who have suffered with eczema know how badly a “hypoallergenic” cream can sting when you apply it to the affected area. I have gone through countless fragrance-free, alcohol-free, everything-free creams in the quest to control the eczema on my hands. When it flares up in colder months, I’m often left desperate for any and all moisture that can come my way.

I have now learned to trust only Vaseline to keep things in check. As described above, it locks in my skin’s natural moisture for extended periods of time. The bonus is that it is the opposite of irritating--it’s quite soothing, actually.

Make New Makeup

Vaseline can serve as a base for all sorts of new makeup creations. It’s the perfect way to finally use the cheap stuff you got last Christmas.

When I couldn’t find blue lipstick anywhere, I made my own, using blue eyeshadow and Vaseline.

I just scraped up a bit of Essence 3D Eyeshadow in Irresistible Blue Sky, crushed it into a powder, added a dab of Vaseline, mixed it and I was basically Rihanna for a couple of hours.

You can also turn powder eyeshadows into longer-lasting, more opaque cream eyeshadows with some Vaseline, or turn your powder blush into a dewy cream one.

Split-End Serum

I am guilty of not trimming my ends often enough, and I sometimes rub a tiny bit of Vaseline on my split ends to make them look better and keep them from splitting further.

Last-Minute Check-Yourself-Before-You-Wreck-Yourself

Imagine this traumatic scenario: You have to see actual people and look presentable in a scurry, and you have zero makeup on you. Rub some Vaseline on your eyelashes to make them appear thicker and longer sans mascara, and some on your brows to tame and enhance them. Turn your scruffy ponytail into a profesh ponytail with a teeny dab to smooth flyaways without hairspray or wax. You can also look a bit more awake by using Vaseline around the eyes or by using it as a makeshift highlighter above the cheekbones and on your browbone. You can even use it on your scuffed leather shoes and dull days-old mani to make them look brand new!

Make Your Perfume Last Longer

A dab on your pulse points before your spritz will do ya.

Make An At-Home Dye Job Look Less Awful

OK, I know a whole bunch of you are probably at-home dye experts, but that is one area in which I am not well-versed. The only thing I know to do is put Vaseline on my hairline to keep it from getting stained and thus alerting the world to my bad dye job. Vaseline saves reputations, you guys.

Great Ice-Breaker

This is my secret party trick that I use to break the ice when I feel awkward* (*always): Ask people how much you would have to pay them to eat a tub of Vaseline. My number is $5 000, subject to change without prior notice.

Do you guys love Vaseline as much as I do? How much would I have to pay you to eat a tub of it? Can you actually imagine swallowing it?