Or nature-obsessed science enthusiasts.
I love my boobs. I mean, looooove with a passion unbridled. It would probably be somewhat unhealthy if, say, they were attached to someone else and not myself.
I’ve had mine for nearly 10 years now; they finally came in when I was 18 after I begged, pleaded prayed, and made a deal with the Devil for big boobs. And when they finally started growing, THEY DIDN’T STOP. They settled at a healthy DD cup. They’re heavy, they bounce, and I’ve actually had them hit my face during some interesting yoga positions.
But they're mine and I love them. And much as India Jewel-Jackson lavishes her ass with TLC, my boobs demand luxury treatment.
We’re hard on our boobs, no matter what the size. We smush them, sleep on them, bounce them, shake them, stuff them into ill-fitting bras, pierce them, tattoo them, put mouths and hands and other weird bodily fluids on them. Boobs go through a lot.
To keep your tits in top form, you need to treat them better than your face. The skin around your boobs is thinner and prone to stretching (obviously), so you’ve gotta be gentle. You only get one pair (maybe two, if you’re lucky and can afford the surgery) in your life, so be good to them:
STEP #1. CLEANSE AND EXFOLIATE:Mario Badescu’s Almond & Honey Non-Abrasive Face Scrub is the BEST when it comes to gentle exfoliation on the fragile skin around your boobs. It makes your skin smooth without leaving tiny tears on the dermal layer. I use it a couple of times a week, and on the other days, I use Ole Henriksen’s Clarifying Body Wash to keep my cleavage calm and clear. Nothing’s worse than chest acne.
STEP #2. TREATMENT: If you’ve got skin concerns like fine lines, hyperpigmentation or acne, apply Ole Henriksen’s Invigorating Night Gel before you go to bed. It’s great for your face and even better on your chest, as it leaves your skin smooth and luminous.
STEP #3. MOISTURIZE & PROTECT: If your chest is smooth and blemish-free, the best thing to do is use Lush’s LOVELY JUBBLIES -- it’s fun to say, it smells like a garden (and your boobs are nothing if not your own personal garden of awesomeness), and it’s made specifically for boobs to combat concerns like elasticity and collagen. Follow up with your favorite body SPF. This is the most important part. KEEP THOSE TATAS SLATHERED IN SPF EVERY SINGLE DAY. Put it on BEFORE you put your bra on -– otherwise you could end up with sunburned boobs (ouch), or even worse, sun-damaged boobs. Gross.
STEP #4 PAMPER: Once a week, use a firming mask all over your boobs. YES, all over, I mean nipples and under-boob too! Slather on Mario Badescu’s SUPER COLLAGEN MASK; it tightens and nourishes all of that collagen-hungry skin.
STEP #5. SHOW THEM OFF: You don’t have to “put ‘em on the glass,” but showcase your beautiful breasts by putting them in a push-up bra and a v-neck shirt: the greatest pairing of products since chocolate and peanut butter. If that’s too much for you, just enhance them by using some bronzer or body tint. I’m obsessed with Lush's SHIMMY SHIMMY, a solid body lotion tint that leaves a pinky-bronze glow and a slight shimmer -- no disco-ball tits here, just shimmering cleavage.
Now that you know the my top-secret ritual for keeping my boobs looking amazing at all times, can we please talk about why I can only think of ONE song about boobs? I can name at least 40 hip-hop anthems about booty. I call favoritism.