RIP Amy Winehouse: Express Your Sadness With My Extremely Dumbed-Down, 4-Step Beehive

If you want to do this the right way, ask someone fancy. If you're lazy and bad at this kind of thing, do it my way.

Jul 28, 2011 at 3:02pm | Leave a comment

I am sad about the death of Amy Winehouse. But I think it's nice to look nice, even in times of grief.  So in honor of the recently departed, I decided to do this very basic bouffant hair style that I have been doing for years ever since Amy reminded everybody how freaking awesome they are.

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I am not the kind of person who is good at doing anything with my hands -- I'm basically a pulsing, Krang-like brain attached to a vagina. I can think and screw, but I can't cook, craft, sew, catch a ball or do hair good. So be advised that this is probably the simplest, most basic version of a beehive in the world, which means that it probably doesn't look as good as the official, time-consuming version. I know for a fact that the back view on this sometimes comes out kinda janky, but I don't care because I don't have to look at it.

This thing has FOUR STEPS. That's it. If you want to do this the right way, ask someone fancy. If you're lazy and bad at this kind of thing, do it my way.

MATERIALS:

one of those long sleeves of bobby pins, you'll use a bunch

a hair rat, which you can find at a beauty supply store, and which looks like a gross hairnet full of hair. You can also make your own, again if you're fancy.

a brush or comb

STEP 1:

Separate the front of your hair (what would be your bangs, or if you have bangs like me, what's directly behind them) from the back and clip to hold. You want enough hair to cover your rat, but you also need to leave enough room behind the front section to pin the rat in there.

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STEP 2:

Place the rat behind the clipped-off section and insert bobby pins all around it at the base. I usually use about 2 on each side and 2 in the back to make sure its pinned in securely.

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STEP 3:

Tease and backcomb the front section of hair toward your scalp, so that it gets all knotted up and crazy-looking. Look at yourself in the mirror and contemplate how you actually think you look sort of cool and would try to get away with this look if you were in a rock band or something.

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STEP 4:

Smooth the teased hair back over the rat. It should naturally sort of form the bouffant shape, and then you can just brush back the top layer until smooth. Pin in place and spray all over with hairspray (I use Aquanet).

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That's it! Be prepared for people to call you "Snooki" and ask you if you're using a "Bump-It" all day. IF your significant other is a male person, do not let him touch the 'hive. Even if he likes the way the hairstyle looks, he will be horrified and disgusted when you tell him that there is a gross fake hair-piece in there, even more horrified and disgusted if you tell him it is called a "rat." DO NOT LET THEM SEE HOW THE SAUSAGE IS MADE.

And if the above is still too complicated for you, I also sometimes use this Conair Hi Styles Volume Builder Insert -- it costs like 3 dollars and will give you the feeling of the 60s without the actual height if you put it in the same place you put the rat and tease your hair over it.