It's gonna get sappy up in here.
There are some things that you gladly leave in behind as you make the transition from your teenage years to your twenties. Waiting two hours for a night bus home to save on that £9 cab fare, treating yourself to one extra addition to your spice rack every other week – the list goes on. And one thing I thought I’d seen the back of forever? The love bite...
I'm completely mortified. Can you tell?
But instead here I am, 26 years old staring in the mirror at love bite the size of a 50p coin. Complete mortification ensued - how was I going to face a day of work like this? Should I even go in? What if everyone saw it the minute I walked in and I was sent straight back home again?
My second reaction was total confusion - where had the offending mark come from? Yes I had spent the previous evening with someone I was seeing, but I’d made it very clear that love bites were completely out of the question. My exact words were: ‘if you give me a love bite I’m honestly going to be sick on your face’.
But evidently he’d gone for it anyway and here I was. Staring into my bedroom mirror at 8am looking at a very telling mark on my neck. What was I going to do? My two options were a) cunningly disguise my sucon with a scarf - it would definitely work, but wearing surplus scarves indoors isn’t really my style so that option got immediately scrapped. Or b) cover it with makeup - very Angela Chase in My So Called Life.
I was uneasy about attempting this, the thing looked really huge, but with no other choice and under extreme pressure I did it. In fact, I did it every day, for the five days it was there. So here are my step-by-step instructions on how to cover a giant red mark on the side of your neck, should you also have a run in with a vampire...
1. Search your makeup collection for a concealer (if you don’t have one, now might be the time to casually thief one from someone else) and foundation. Ideally you need a thick concealer and a lighter one. I’d recommend Benefit ‘erase paste’ as well as Bourjois ‘healthy mix’ liquid foundation (in a light shade) and concealer.
2. Cover all of your neck with the light foundation. This will avoid the area you cover looking weird or extra dark/pale. Leave a couple of minutes for the foundation to dry completely.
3. Take the thick concealer and scrape a chunk straight onto the mark you want to cover – then use your finger to dab it across the surface.
4. Using the thinner concealer dab a 5p sized amount onto the area and smooth on, being really gentle with your fingers making sure not to smudge the layers of make up you’ve put on so far. Leave for a few minutes to dry.
5. Repeat step 4.
Ta da! the offending article as miraculously disappered, after a LOT of slap...
And there you go, no need to take a week off work with pretend swine flu. Don't say I never do anything for you...