HOORAY FOR GAY: The Most Pro-Homo Products EVER In A New Post-"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Era

Is your favorite military man coming out of his sexy little closet? Here are the loudest, proudest products to celebrate him with.

Sep 27, 2011 at 12:30pm | Leave a comment

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When it comes to “sociopolitical” issues, I tend to focus on the important things: when Obama was running against John McCain, for example, I became enchanted with and then progressively freakishly obsessed with that filthy rich, fallen rodeo queen, pillpopping, brittle-boned, heavily eye-lined-always, bleached-blond flower CINDY MCCAIN, who is now allegedly having some sort of steamy affair, God bless her:

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Since Cindy wasn’t on the ballot that year, I didn’t bother to vote for anyone for president. Big deal! I’ve lived in New York since 2000 and every year the damn presidential election for New York State is the same. Nor do I vote for anything local: not for senators or house of representative people (what are they called?). And certainly not in elections for governors or mayors or state senators or city council.

Who has the fucking time! Instead, I like the sleep in on election days and tell my bosses that the line was really long at “P.S. [public school] ___insert made-up-number here ____.” Always works.

Now lest you think I am entirely without political conviction, know also that I was raised by a humorless, militantly right wing, ultra-conservative, LITERALLY CARD-CARRYING MEMBER of the GOP party, who was abusive, evil, pathologically narcissistic and controlling. I loathe my dad. He sucks!

And guess who my father hates? Gay people. Which is why, though I care very little about the economy or global warming or whatever, I am adamantly pro-gay rights! And outspoken about it always. I mean, I may not vote or whatever, but I always scream at someone who says “faggot.”

(Plus I give $20 a month to some GLBT rights organization that stopped me on the street once when I was doing a walk of shame home from this white rapper’s apartment. But only because I was drunk.)

Anyway, with the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” it may be time to get the favorite gay in your life a little gift – and no, he doesn’t have to be a military man for you to celebrate him! Here, some of the gayest beauty products EVER.

1) SPINNING HAT GAY BAR SOAP

Nothing says I celebrate dudes who like to do dudes like this cheerful and fantastic bar of soap. There isn't much to say about it except that it's incredibly gay! And even though it's a gorgeous bubble gum color, it smells delightfully of roses -- which Bryan, our resident gay (today -- since Eric is somewhere outside of the office), says is a "FABULOUS musky rose."We had one in the office, but some stealthy homo stole it the night. Clearly.

2) COLOR CLUB PRIDE NAIL COLLECTION

What saucy queen just out of the military wouldn't love this set of rainbow nail polishes? They can paint their French bulldogs' nails with them, and they can paint their boyfriends' toes with them after a particularly zesty 'bout of wrestling for top.

Says gay Bryan, "It's important for my toes to look good when they're up over my shoulders." A-MEN.

3) Marc Jacobs BANG BANG

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Why are these vials of cologne gay? Well, they're by Marc Jacobs, and the fragrance is named BANG. Click here for a reminder of the ad campaign. Uh-huh. GAY.

The other reason why these make the list of spectacularly homo products is that they CLEARLY invoke vials of poppers, aka the gay party drug inhalant beloved by boys who dance the night away in Chelsea and xoJane.com beauty directors alike. You even get two vials: one for each man having sex behind the Meatpacking District dumpster. Score!

"Poppers open you up like a flower," says Bryan. "I won't say more than that. It's gross."

4) PENIS LIPSTICK (no brand needed)

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In a perfect world, wouldn't every lipstick be shaped like this? I'd put this bitch on day in and day out. Look at that perfect dong tip. Perfect for covering each and every millimeter of your mouth, you know?

Anyway, you might not think that a dude would want a lipstick, but Big Gay Bryan (a.k.a GRYAN) is here to tell you otherwise: "Any opportunity that you have to perfect your oral skills is worth the application of a peen-shaped lipstick," says Gryan. "Haven't you ever heard of Rainbow Parties?"

5) JOVAN SEX APPEAL

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"I think I actually wore this when I came out of the closet," ejaculates Gryan. "I paired it with pleated Ralph Lauren slacks and a long-sleeved Ralph rugby shirt. It was my 'fresh minted gay' uniform at the time -- 1992." SEXY! This stuff smells like just like you'd think it smell. "It's pure musk," purrs Bryan. "Like not-quite-freshly-showered man." SEXY AGAIN!

And there we have it! The five gayest gay beauty products ever. Congratulations homos! Thank you for serving our country. WE LOVE YOU!

NOW: What would you get for your favorite brave gay? GET CREATIVE OR GO HOME(O).

Follow Cat on Twitter @cat_marnell. She tweets at lots of fun gay people.