Help Me Endure My First Brazilian

It's the most painful thing I've ever done for a story.

May 7, 2012 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

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I have a lot of hair.

It's T minus 22 days until my first Brazilian wax, and I’m already terrified.

A person who looks and sounds a lot like me went to an xoJane editorial meeting a few weeks ago and volunteered for a hilarious assignment that involves, among other things, certain temporary body modifications that I would never, ever personally choose -- the Brazilian wax among them. I don't know what Impostor Me was thinking, but perhaps she ought to consult with Genuine, Sensible Me before taking on such an insane project.

The details of the aforementioned in-depth investigative report will be revealed at a later date, with presumably ridiculous photographs that will haunt my feminist soul until its last day on Mother Gaia. At the moment, let's focus on the most violent and frightening aspect of my impending transformation: the moment when I allow a stranger to pour hot wax on my genitals, apply muslin strips, and then rip my well-anchored hair from its roots by pulling in the opposite direction of growth.

When not angling for a Peabody Award for my fearless web stunt journalism, I am staunchly opposed to waxing the beaver. To put it bluntly in something of a meta fashion, I think it's a pussy move. Here are just a few of the reasons why I object so strenuously to this particular form of lady-pain:

  1. It is a capitulation to creepy male sensibilities that desire a hairless or nearly hair-free vag.
  2. It makes me sad when women say, "Oh, I'm just going to get the sides cleaned up" as if pubic hair were a messy thing to be washed away like so much dirt.
  3. When women say, "It doesn't hurt," I think, "You are lying to me and to yourself, you sad victim of the Beauty Industrial Complex."
  4. And when the occasional chick says, "I love it! It feels great!" I think, "You are working out some complicated issues from your childhood, and I suppose this is better than cutting."
  5. If I'm going to show my vagina to a stranger, it's going to be a licensed medical professional, not an amateur beauty torture artist.

All that said, I can see a few reasons why some women get it done (you know, besides "I volunteered to do it for a story that will induce sidesplitting laughter among XOJane readers.") They are as follows:

  1. Bathing suit season is upon us, and conventional beauty wisdom (note: NOT creepy porn-induced fetishism) decrees that it is an unsightly thing to have pubes hanging out.
  2. Allegedly, waxing leads to fewer ingrown hairs than shaving. Ingrown hairs are sometimes painful and always ugly. They are to be avoided.

Now I've committed to doing this. I cannot go back on my word. And so I need your help, sistren.

The only previous time I've ever had my ladyflower waxed, it was due to coercion. I wandered into a waxing joint near Grand Central Station here in lovely Manhattan, looking to get my eyebrows did (a painful exercise in and of itself).

The lady who waxed them spent a great deal of time telling me about her cancer treatments and how she had to work through them because she had no health insurance and needed the money. Then, as I almost cried in sympathy for her plight, she upsold me on a bikini wax. When I said yes, her sad sack demeanor immediately changed to one of ruthless cheer.

In retrospect, I'm fairly certain her only diagnosis was metastasized hucksterism, perhaps with a co-diagnosis of total bullshittery, but at the time, I believed her. Anyhoo, not only did she put me in great pain, she ignored my instructions to "just take off a little on the sides" and instead took off more than a little, violating both my trust and my butt.

"See? No pain!" she said happily each time she ripped my pubes from their moorings.

"It hurts a lot," I said through gritted teeth and tears, hating her and her fake cancer.

Anyway, that was just a basic bikini wax. I've volunteered to get a Brazilian, which apparently involves taking everything off, i.e., slash and burn agriculture. I know it's going to hurt like hell, so I've come up with a list of potential painkilling options. I'd like you to tell me which is the best move.

  1. Advil, administered before and after the proceedings.
  2. Two shots of hard liquor taken before the torment.
  3. Percocet, pre-wax.
  4. Klonopin, pre-rippage.

 Would any of those options help? I have a friend who used to do a shot before getting her Brazilian, but I don't think just one shot will be enough -- I'm betting on the aforementioned two, or perhaps even three. Granted, it means I'll have to brush my teeth furiously and apply perfume so as not to stink of booze, but if I feel less agony during the process, it'll be worth it.

Anyway, what the hell do you people do to deal with the horrific pain that comes with waxing? Is there some kind of yogic breathing technique I ought to know about? Am I a total wuss if I get in the room, freak out and punt by just getting a basic bikini wax? Do I trim before I let some lady get all up in there? Is it a dumb idea to get spray-tanned a couple hours later? Will my tender red ladyparts just explode at that point? And what are the chances of permanent damage to my favorite organ?

I have questions. You've got answers. Let's do this, girls.