Blow Yourself: Here's That Tutorial I Promised

Because, seriously, I give the best blow jobs.

I've gotten many a blowout in my day. And I've given quite a few. I'm, like, really good at it.

This method is adapted from watching my main hair chick in Dallas, Shara at Osgood, blow me out. I call it the "twist" or whatever. I've actually never really called it anything, or even talked about it until now, so I guess y'all have the scoop.

First, invest in a good blow dryer, especially if you plan on doing this regularly.

I advise not using heat on your hair more than once or twice a month, but I know most of you reading this just chuckled audibly, perhaps even spat some lunch onto your keyboard. That's cool, but I'm not effing around here. You're probably the same type of chick that still hasn't taken the whole sunscreen thing seriously. This is life and death we're dealing with--and the death of good hair is nothing to scoff at. Neither is skin cancer, but let's be honest, I'm more concerned with wrinkles and discoloration.

Whatever. I feel like those parents that get wasted with their cool-kid teenage spawn like, "If they're going to be drinking anyway, at least they'll be doing it responsibly." So, if you must blow out your hair, don't be a dumbass about it. Get that nice blow dryer that we talked about (something that gets hot and has a powerful fan--efficiency's the word), and prep your hair with a heat-protective product.

I'm using Hot Tools Professional Tourmaline Ionic dryer and blowpro's You Only Smoother--it protects up to 450 degrees.

I always use a serum on my ends, no matter how I wear my hair. I'm not super brand-loyal--there are SO many good hair serums out there--but right now I'm digging OI/Oil because Davines is my absolute favorite line of haircare, and because Shara sent it to me in the cutest package ever.

I like using a volumizing product, usually a spray or mousse, in my roots if I'm blowing out my hair. Blowpro's Blow Up has a great spray nozzle that distributes the perfect amount of product. Don't you find that your roots are the trickiest place to apply product? Moving on.

My first attempt at an HD video! Click the little gear at the bottom to up the viewing quality. SERIOUSLY, GUYS, MY COMPUTER WORKED REALLY HARD UPLOADING THIS.

Roughly section your damp/dry hair, and go over it once with the blow dryer and round brush to smooth and get all the moisture out.

Go over it again with my patented "twist" action--just rotate the round brush as you smooth it down from half-way down the length. Heat the twist part up with the blow dryer while the brush is holding the section taut at the ends, and then blast the ends to smooth them as you pull the brush free. (Just watch the video.)

Did I mention investing in a good round brush, too? It needs to have natural bristles and be lightweight so that you don't exhaust your arms. The di PRIMA 9 1/4 brush I'm using has boar bristles and a cork handle and is probably really freaking expensive. I can't find it for sale online. My mom bought it from her stylist in 2004; I remember because some asshole eighth-grader bitchbrat stole it from her shortly thereafter.

Continue making "twists" allover your head. This won't make your hair curly, it will just add really natural body to your blowout. They'll probably fall out themselves before you're done--that's OK.

For the top sections, really concentrate on smoothing these out, if you've been half-assing it up until now... shame on you. To get lots of volume at the top, wrap each section up in the round brush, blast with heat, and let it sit there and set as it cools off. Or use large velcro rollers for a similar effect. (Again, it's probably best to just watch the video.)

Finish with a light misting of hairspray. Sally Hershberger's Major Body was, like, made for blow outs. It's a light volumizing hair spray that smells pleasant and gives Victoria's Secret Angel fluff and a nice finishing coat, without the usual hard hairspray hold. Ew, that's, like, the cheesiest thing I've ever written.