HOW TO: Make Your Apartment Smell Like Connecticut When Really You Should Be Going There To Rehab (Again)

Burning this candle that smells like that nice place I once went to in the country that time will solve ALL of my problems. DUH!

Jul 1, 2011 at 2:02pm | Leave a comment

Oh hi! It’s 5 am as I’m writing this, and though I am dead sober (for once), I’m having deeply conceptual and bizarre beauty/lifestyle thoughts.

I’m sitting on my bed looking around my apartment, which is very messy -- with ridiculous amounts beauty product clutter, slippery stacks of French and UK fashion magazines that I am forever knocking over, piles of once-nice designer clothes which I have long since ruined with scissors and/or by actually DROOLING vodka-cranberries or whatever onto them (oh, I WISH I was joking).

Also: I’ve been smoking more than usual and indoors, so there are ashtrays. There are empty pill bottles that have been USED as ashtrays. Oh, and everywhere are these ghetto paper cups that I’ve been drinking bootleg piña coladas from; I buy them illegally to go from this cute little Puerto Rican restaurant in my neighborhood.

You get the idea.

Yup, my house is a feng-shui nightmare, and just like the chaos that lies within the disgusting interiors of my 18 million handbags, the mess is totally reflective of What’s Going On With Me Right Now.

As in, I’M a mess. My city life has become too much; I feel vaguely, all of the time, that I’m f-ing drowning. I need to get out of town for a while; I need to be in nature. And until I actually have a chance to get away and make that happen, I’ve gotta improve my own peace of mind.

…Which, being both a beauty editor and deeply -- as ever -- in denial, I like to believe can be done with beauty products! That is, “home” products that SMELL like nature (or at least how “nature” in my synthetics-inclined mind should smell).

I have a few favorites for this:

SOAP AND PAPER COMPANY ROLAND PINE AROMATIC ROOM DIFFUSER

Whenever guys come into my house they ask me what the weird bottles with the wooden reeds sticking out of them are, and even though I instantly find said men incredibly dumb, I answer patiently anyway and tell them, “Fragrance diffusers.” There’s almost nothing that I love more than a good fragrance diffuser, and that said, KEEP ‘EM COMING, BEAUTY COMPANIES.

This one in particular is by a brand that I love and will be forever loyal to. They are based out of glamorous-hippie enclave Nyack, New York -- home also to my obsessively-beloved glamorous hippie ex-boss, Lucky magazine beauty director Jean Godfrey-June, who is incidentally friends with the Soap and Paper people. ANYWAY, this Roland Pine Home Fragrance Diffuser is awesome: You just flip the reeds every couple of days and it keeps my apartment smelling clean and fresh and lush, like a beautiful pine grove.

Or, at least, it used it; even though one diffuser lasts months, mine has since long run dry. Sooo, Soap and Paper, that’s a hint-hint: because truly, I loved it so.

(Oh, and I couldn’t find a good picture of only the diffuser, so above is the whole pine collection. It’s all awesome.)

AUNT SADIE’S PANORAMIC FRESH CUT GRASS-SCENTED CANDLE

Fresh-cut grass always reminds me of the best things: the few precious years of my primarily-city-based childhood that I lived in a home with anything even close to resembling a yard; that summer camp I used to go to in West Virginia until the summer I was 12 and got kicked out for giving everyone tattoos with a needle and India ink; and yes, dewy mornings on the lush grounds of that really fancy Connecticut rehab I got to go to two years ago.

You?

This candle does exactly what it looks like it will do: fill your home with the very wonderful and non-perfumey smell of fresh cut grass. What else is there to say about it? It’s $16 bucks and it works like hell.

Also: It is not one of those candles that lasts like a week, as so many of the great-smelling candles are. No, this lasts 70 hours, and while I’m too lazy and perhaps truly too authentically dumb at this point in my life to provide you with any sort of mathematical analogy to give you perspective on how long that is, just trust that it’s a very good while for a candle to burn.

THYMES FRAISER FIR ALL-PURPOSE CLEANER

Another pine-scented product! Usually I wouldn’t throw two of them in one post, but then I was all, why the hell not? ALSO: Who cares? Why NOT have two pine-scented things? I guess I worry that they’ll compete with one another. Does that make you guys, the readers, all conflicted about which one to buy? I dunno.

(Beauty editing: Sometimes it is shallow torture. See, this is why I drink so many pina coladas.) (Also: they are mucho delicious!)

ANYWAY, though I clearly RARELY clean and when I do I clean rather VAGUELY, I love this pine-scented all-purpose spray by Thymes and I have forever. All the years I worked in magazines, Thymes has sent it and their other pine products at Christmas time, and it’s like, WHY only during the holidays when they are so wonderful year-round?

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, looking at it, to guess what this product smells like, which is pine trees, pine cones, pine needles and/or pine sap (though decidedly NOTHING like gross Pine Sol, with which my then-horrible big sister Emily once seriously almost blinded me when we were little kids by spraying liberally and directly INTO MY YOUNG EYES) (probably yet another reason why I drink!).

Now: What are your favorite home fragrance products? Do you WANT your house to smell like pinecones? How about dewy mornings in Connecticut? Hey, ever been to rehab? Let’s go.