Or nature-obsessed science enthusiasts.
There are a few random things that I Google about once a month, just to see if any new results have come up that would pique my interest. The phrases that I search usually look something like this:
“Channing Tatum soaking wet,”
“Lindsay Lohan nail color 2005,”
“At-Home Lip Injections.”
I usually have varying levels of success with the first two, but the third always evades me. That’s fine. I feel the same way about lip injections as I do about drugs: I don’t want them, but I appreciate having the option. And here, in the future, I haven’t found one single thing that I, or, usually someone else, hasn’t been able to DIY. But shooting my lips up with collagen in the comfort of my own home just isn’t a reality … yet.
The next best thing to the at-home lip injections is a product from a company called Fullips Lip Enhancers, for $19.99. They’re a line of little self-suction devices that are made to temporarily make your lips fuller without any invasive procedures.
You can all breathe a sigh of relief as you realize that this is not another article about overdrawing your lips. I trust you get the point by now.
These little lip enhancers seemed too absurd not to try out, so I hit up Fullips and they were nice enough to send me their products so I could play around with them myself. Do I have small lips? Well, my top lip is virtually nonexistent, while my bottom lip is pretty large.
Here's a picture of my face, because I know you haven't seen it enough.
When I wear any sort of lip color, I do find myself having to “Kylie Jenner” my top lip a little, if only just to sort of balance it out. A dramatic lip color would only draw attention to the fact that my lips are very different shapes. Remember (no) my photo from Marci's National Lipstick Day post?
See? That thin top lip could use some help.
I should probably be more self-conscious about my teeny tiny top lip when I’m out running around in dark lipstick, but I’m not self-conscious about anything and also if I’m out in lipstick I’m probably wasted.
But back to my point. I want fuller lips and I’m always down to test drive a weirdo beauty product, so it was time to give Fullips a shot.
The lip enhancers are available in three sizes: Small Oval, Medium Oval, and Large Round. The directions simply read, “Just put it to your lips and suck!”
This creates an airtight seal around your mouth and the suction within the little tube is supposed to work to enhance and shape your lips, making them larger and fuller.
Sounds simple enough, right? Well, I had a few false starts.
At first, I kept trying to put both of my lips inside each of the enhancers, to no avail.
I know that his may come as a shock to you, but I have a big mouth. The only option that fit both of my lips at the same time was Large Round, and only just. If you have a smaller mouth, this won’t be a problem for you, but you might need to take it one lip at a time, like I did. This actually ended up working better for me.
But then I got the hang of it and I sort of got obsessed. Once I got really got sucking (no jokes!) I just wanted my lips to be bigger and bigger. Fullips says that it shouldn’t hurt, and if it does, you’re sucking too hard. I was sucking REALLY hard and didn’t experience any pain, which I sort of took as a dare, like, “I bet I can get it to hurt, that’s when I know it’s really working!”
The girls in some of the demonstration videos were able to use Fullips with no hands, they just sucked the tube to their face and it stayed suctioned there, because of like, physics or whatever. I had no such luck, but I tried.
Have you ever had a hickey on your face? Not on your neck, but like, your actual face? I’d love to say that I haven’t, but a question like that could only come from a person who has had a hickey on their face. It was years ago and I don’t want to talk about it.
But, as I was working on getting my lips to an Amanda Lepore level, there was a point where my suction was so strong that I thought it might open an eighth gateway to hell and I panicked. As I was sucking this thing onto my face as hard as I possibly could, I realized it was sucking back at me, not only onto my upper lip, but onto the skin above it, my face. I popped it off with and looked in the mirror, panicked.
Luckily, you can suck as hard as you want and this little guy will not give you a face hickey, proving once again that inanimate objects are smarter than boys.
So I sucked and I sucked for about five 30-second intervals (I’m saying 30-second intervals but I actually have no idea. The whole experience was kind of hypnotizing. I could have been there for days) and by end of it, my top lip definitely was fuller and more shapely, nicely balancing out my bottom lip. It even sort of did look like I had gotten real lip injections! But then I thought to myself, "Do my lips look full or do they just look swollen?"
As soon as you yank these things off your face, your lips are going to look a little swollen, and they should, considering what you just did to them. But give them five minutes and the initial swelling will subside, giving way to your newly enhanced lips.
Let’s do a before & after.
Did Fullips work? Yeah, it did. I mean, I have a top lip in the second photo! My larger lips lasted about four hours, which is great because were I to use it before putting on lip color and going out, by the time it wears off and my lips deflate, everyone will be too drunk to notice so I wouldn't be exposed for the fraud that I am.
Would I use it again? Yes. Not every day, but I’m definitely going to whip it out before applying lipstick because it made my thin top lip larger and I think it would make lip color look even more flattering.
So what do you think? Is this the most absurd beauty tool you've ever seen? For me, it's not — not by a long shot. Let's talk weird beauty tools, tips, and tricks down in the comments!
Tynan's lips are fluctuating on Twitter @TynanBuck.