Fancy As F#$&: Luxe Gifts For The Swanky Broads In Your Life

Yes, I will eat an entire trayful of Burger King in under 10 minutes, but I will also do that while wearing a white fox fur coat.

As you may already know, I'm a big fan of all things "fancy." And I don't think there's a time of year fancier than the holidays.

For one thing, there is glitter everywhere. Plus, all of the department stores look extra-shiny and everything smells extra-nice because they want you to buy extra-luxurious gifts that depend on your need to make sure everyone you are buying gifts for doesn't hate you come December 26th.

I mean, I'm not saying that you ignoring my gifting advice is going to result in you being left alone by everyone you've ever cared about but. It's a possibility.

So, if you want to win the affections of those around you, particularly the people with a taste for the finer things in life, look no further than this gift guide. Because, yes, I will eat an entire trayful of Burger King in under 10 minutes, but I will also do that while wearing a white fox fur coat from the 1970s. I don't want to toot my own horn or anything, but you're all in good hands. So let's get started on making the world a little more fance-pants, shall we?

1. Krigler Perfumes' Splendid Gold ($175-$255) andLovely Patchouli Classic ($175-$255) (both

So, it might seem strange to recommend a perfume based on the fact that it made me cry, but let me explain myself here. Krigler's Splendid Gold is a perfume that reminds me of my grandmother, the fanciest woman I ever had the pleasure of knowing.

That is not to say it smells matronly, no. It smells like a bygone era, it reminds me of her super feminine nightgowns that I would wear as a kid, despite them being too big for me, and her vanity covered in tubes of lipstick and bottles of face lotion. To me, it smells like a woman who's got her act together.

So the first time I took a whiff of it, I naturally started to bawl my eyes out. Because I miss my grandmother so, so much, and I don't think I'll ever be able to wear the perfume for that reason. But seriously, it smells incredible, like the creation of someone who has made perfumery their life's work.

Then there's Lovely Patchouli, a unisex fragrance with a base note of amber, my favorite. This is the scent of a hippie with a boatload of money. Perhaps this is what Talitha Getty would have worn in my imaginary made-up dream world. I get that the price tag is high on these, so buy a bottle for someone you really love, like your wonderful sister, mother or grandmother, please.

2. Butter London Nail Lacquer in Wallis ($14,

Any woman who has the certain je ne sais quoi to tear a man away from the powerful allure of a life on the throne is pretty fabulous in my book, so naturally I'm inclined to buy a nail polish inspired by her. Butter London's Wallis Simpson-named polish is a deep olive with gold flecks, a regal and mysterious shade with undertones of, "I'm sexy and expensive, buy me things." So, while it's not exactly on par with receiving some of Wallis's favored Cartier jewels, anyone who you bestow a bottle of this polish upon will surely thank you for thinking them so glamorous.

3. Fresh Hesperides Soap ($15,

I am a firm believer in the idea that good packaging can elevate even the most mundane objects to a supreme level. Take soap, for instance. It's a pretty necessary thing that most people have in their bathroom, just chilling in a dish or on the ledge of their shower or in their medicine cabinet, not really shouting, "Hey! Pay attention to me!"

But slap a fancy coat on a bar of soap, make it with moisturizing ingredients, and give it the smell of a grapefruit tree in the spring and you've got yourself something else, something special. I like the idea of keeping these in an underwear drawer or a linen closet like you're some sort of millionaire who buys bars of soap just to delicately fragrance their belongings because, c'mon! That's nuts! But in a good way! If all else fails it's a great hostess gift that says, "Why yes, I do have good taste. Thanks for noticing!"

4.Yves Saint Laurent Vernis À Lèvres Glossy Stain (shown in #8 Orange de Chine, $32,

I was watching a daytime television talk show the other day and they were doing a segment on red lipstick. The (male) make-up artist stated that women should "never" wear orange-red lipstick because it looks "bad" on everyone. I spit at my TV and then threw it out the window in a rage. Why? Because this man does not know what he is talking about and red-orange lipstick looks amazing on everyone ever and I am going to wear it forever just to spite him.

Now, on to the product. YSL's Glossy Stain is applied like a gloss that then sinks into your lips and lasts all day, like a stain. Unlike a stain, though, it stays shiny and moisturizing. It's amazing what science can do these days, huh? This is on my list because a) YSL's packaging screams luxury --It's gold! -- and b) fancy women don't care about men who think red-orange lipstick looks bad, so sit on it, bro.

That's it for me, for now. What gifts do you hope fancy Santa brings you this year? Or you know, what are you buying for yourself?