My Eyelash Extensions Are Gone and My Life Is The Worst So I Tried Every New Fall Mascara

I’ve been living my life in the wake of my lashes. I haven’t felt happiness since, and it’s like everything is in black and white.
Publish date:
September 9, 2015

Hey, it’s me, Tynan, the Leading Mascara Journalist Of Our Time (-Claire Lower.)

As we all know, your quality of life is improved exclusively through material possessions. Especially when those possessions are in the form of beauty products.

I started out the spring with a set of eyelash extensions, and, believe me when I tell you without any exaggeration that things had never been better. My two or three months with eyelash extensions completely changed my life. I was smarter, funnier, more successful, and a better friend. I ran faster, I was, unexplainably, four inches taller, and I could see the future.

I got them removed at the beginning of the summer and now my life is total shit. I’ve been living my life in the wake of my lashes. I haven’t felt happiness since, and it’s like everything is in black and white.

I could try to fill the void by amping up my lashes with mascara, but really, what’s the point? Nothing will ever be the same.

But the thing is, I write about beauty products for a living, I don’t know if you knew that. All summer, I kept hearing that all of the big guys were dropping new mascaras this fall, so I knew it was time to pull myself out of this endless night, boss up, and work on another comprehensive mascara story.

I got my hands on the ones that everyone is talking about and THE RESULTS MAY SURPRISE YOU.

Before we start, here's a quick lil glamour shot of my bare lashes.

Oh and first of all, let me just say that when editing these photos, I did make good use of the blur tool because my skin was going THROUGH IT when I shot this thing. I didn’t touch up the mascaras at all, but I did hide some things on my face because yo, I love myself, but not that much.

You know what we say here at xoJane, no beauty secrets! Oh wait, no, that’s xoVain. If you have a problem with it, I’d invite you to take a bunch of close-ups of your skin on its worst days and post them on the world wide web for every troll on the Internet to see. I have stared into the depths of hell, and it has WI-FI.

NARS Audacious Mascara, $26.00.

Last fall, everyone lost their mind over the release of the NARS Audacious Lipsticks, so when I heard that they were releasing an Audacious Mascara, I knew it was time to gird our collective loins.


The brush is just as important as the jet black product itself, guys, remember that. My favorites are rubber brushes, like this one, so when I first saw it, I knew we were going to get along just fine.

The bristles are long as hell, surprisingly so. They work to get in between every lash to distribute product evenly from root to tip, flinging them toward the sky. It's not going to separate every single lash, but gives you proportional length and volume that's suitable for day or night. Finally, it builds nicely without getting super thick or heavy.

Sometimes I only want one coat of mascara, to accentuate my lashes without really giving you full glam. Here's me with one coat.

omg, right?

Here's two coats.

I've pretty much made it no secret that NARS is one of my favorite brands, so there's no use avoiding the subject now. NARS really came through with their new mascara, and it's going to be on my lashes a lot this fall.

Maybelline Colossal Chaotic Lash Mascara, $7.99.

So this one's been out for a grip but it's also the one that's had a bunch of you all in your feelings these days, so I figured I'd throw it in.

I got this question a thousand times. "WAIT. So this is a mascara that's supposed to clump?!?" I saw you guys posting about it on Facebook. I got texts.

First of all, stop saying the word "clump." Gross.

I heard a lot of you that gave it a try liked the final product, citing "edgy" and "Twiggy" as reasons to keep using it. I didn't hate it. It didn't blow me out of the water, and it's not my favorite out of Maybelline's AWESOME line of mascaras, but it didn't incite the gay rage that you all had me anticipating.

I found that the mascara itself was more course and fibrous than many others, which is what caused it to cling to itself when built up.

The brush:

Short bristles, good for packing on the mascara onto the brush.

One coat.

I was pleasantly surprised after one swipe. A lot of product at the base of the lashes had me feeling good.

Second coat.

Hmmmm okay okay. It starts to gather your lashes when you build it, obviously, but more so than others, and faster. It's cool! This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call ~a look~ and it's a product that does exactly what it says it's going to do. Do you like it? Tell me in the comments.

MAC Upward Lash Mascara, $22.00.

I love me some MAC, but this is not the mascara for me, personally. Here's why.THE BRUSH:

Tiny brushes are such a great idea, in theory, to grab even your tiniest lashes, coat them with mascara, and fan them out. The problem I always run into with tiny brushes is that there's too much mascara and not enough brush. The bristles end up drowning in the product, basically shellacking them onto your lashes. You really want a mascara that clumps on contact? THIS is the one.

Here's one coat.

Not terrible, but I really had to be careful to put it on evenly the first time, because when I went in to touch up the first coat was when it started to cling to itself. It really gives you no wiggle room. I actually had to shoot this product twice because the first round crashed and burned too quickly.

Here's two.

You know?

It's a very wet formula as well, so if you're not careful, it will end up on your lids and below your eyes when you blink, which is the WORST. This is the first MAC product that I've ever been "eh" about.

Covergirl The Super Sizer By Lash Blast Mascara, $6.85.

I'm sure you've all seen 11 time Grammy Nominee Katy Perry stalking around your television, promoting some mascara. Well this is it, KatyCats!

And I actually love it! Why?


This weirdo. It's a reverse-taper situation, starting with tiny rubber teeth where the brush meet the wand, fanning out to longer bristles at the end. This is the first mascara brush I've seen with this shape. Wait, that statement is gonna kick me in the teeth. It's the first one with this shape that I remember. Regardless, it works really well!

One coat.

I find that one of the rarest things that you can get from a mascara, no matter what it promises, is the ability to separate every lash and lengthen, without building a ton of volume (I prefer volume over length but that's a different story.)

Oh, here's the second coat.

Look at those! Fuck. Is this my favorite of the bunch? Omg.

The Super Sizer is basically all length, giving you super long, separated, lifted lashes. It's a killer new addition to the drugstore gang and I'm excited to see you guys in it.

What do you think? Have you guys tried any of these mascaras, and if so, what did you think? What's your favorite mascara? What mascara are you wearing right now? POST A SELFIE IN THE COMMENTS AND SHOW ME. Also it's my birthday and you have to do what I say.

Tynan and his lashes are on Twitter @TynanBuck.