Eff That Store Shit; THIS is The Cheap and Easy Way to Whiten Your Teeth

Whitening your teeth for a dollar fucking fifty? That’s SWAG.
Publish date:
November 1, 2012
teeth whitening, M

I’ll admit it -- I’m your friendly neighborhood wino who looooooooooves a good glass of red (chased by an espresso or two). Thing is, you’d never (ever) know it. Why? Because when I was teenager, my mommy taught me the most amazing, most affordable, most why-don’t-more-people-do-this way to remove yellow surface stains ever, and I feel obliged to pass along this particular piece of the good old Jackson family-grooming gospel. Are you ready for this?!

Yes. A $1 bottle of hydrogen peroxide paired with a 50¢ box of baking soda can give you a gorgeous gleaming grin. Wanna tell those pricey whitening strips (or Cat’s favorite drugstore offerings) to Chew. That. Ass? Here’s how to do it:

Step 1) Dampen your toothbrush under the faucet, then squirt a bit of peroxide over the bristles.

Peroxide is indeed an acid, so prefacing with water helps dilute the formula, making it safer for oral use while cutting the sting for those of you with sensitive and/or infected gums. Speaking of oral infections, peroxide helps kill gingivitis-related bacteria and all those other icky germs that cause inflamed gums and bad breath. If that’s you, go ahead and gurgle and gargle, ho!

Step 2) Dip the brush inside the baking soda box.

And brush for two minutes like you normally would with toothpaste. (Duh.) It might seem/feel a little weird brushing with powder, but since the toothbrush is wet, it quickly turns to a thick, gritty toothpaste-like paste. Definitely get the 16 teeth in the front that show when you smile, but I take it all the way to the back, as well as scrub the roof and my tongue. Why not?

Side note: Have you ever used baking soda to clean your bathtub? Try it! Baking soda is a polishing agent that helps boost the effectiveness of bleaching agents (like peroxide for your teeth or Clorox for your tub). That shit gets everything -- dirt, hair dye, dirt, hair dye, dirt, hair dye -- all the way OUT of the basin.

Step 3) Rinse with lukewarm water.

Again, duh. It doesn’t leave a funny taste in your mouth, and it’s not harmful in the slightest. Dentists use it on their patients on a daily basis (in a much, much stronger concentration). You can finish with your regular disinfecting mouthwash if you want, but you don’t really need to. Peroxide is a natural disinfectant, so anything Listerine would have killed has already been chopped down by your new DIY H2O2 toothpaste. (I even use it to disinfect my retainers!)

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd you’re welcome.

(Oh, but whatever you do, DON’T SWALLOW. Trust me -- you don't want to. Just another little tip from me to you.)

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