DO THIS DON'T: Wear Makeup in the Pool

Feel free to make a punn-y insult, referencing the shallow end of a pool. Also: How to get that waterproof product OFF.
Publish date:
June 13, 2013
shoppables, makeup, summer beauty, waterproof

The first time someone called me shallow, I was like, "What."

This person didn't say it directly to my makeup-caked face -- I heard it through her friend, who felt the need to tell me [redacted name] didn't like me, and that she thinks I'm shallow.

I just felt confused. (This "person" wasn't even my friend, one. Two, do I really need to hear that shit?)

Perhaps it's because I grew up in a WASP-y suburb of Chicago where most girls had fake tans, bleached hair, wore Abercrombie, and were thin as hell accordingly. And, long story short: I was not one of these girls.

Alas, I was no longer an awkward teenager, but a full grown adult of 22 (ha) at that point. Now at 24, I will in no way deny that I spend lots of time and money on beauty-related matters, whether that's products or getting my hair done or the many colorful baskets I put my Hot Tools in.

I do prioritize makeup over, hm, groceries. And when I hear myself saying that I need to "put on my face" before heading out, a bit of bile bubbles up in my throat. Yet it's true -- I rarely leave the house without putting on makeup. I own zero pairs of sweatpants.

Does that make me shallow? (Perhaps the word she was looking for was "vain.")

Since coming to California though, I've worn makeup probably three days out of the 12 I've been here -- mainly since I've spent most of my time on my laptop, sitting across the kitchen table from my dude. (We're both working remotely for companies based out of NY.)

I have a ton of deadlines coming up. We have NOT been out.

And it's kind of nice, I think. I sometimes feel as if I might murder someone, or like, wring the neck of my boyfriend's 22-year-old childhood bird who depresses the shit out of me and looks like he dug his way out of a pet cemetery. But I'm productive? I feel like my skin's cool taking a break for a while?

Then, yesterday, we go out to see my new doctor, and my boyfriend suggests we get dinner on the pier nearby afterwards. So what do I do? I get totally NYC'd up: Red lips, cat eye liner, a top knot for my too-many-days unwashed hair, and wear a LBD and a shaggy white faux fur coat. I mean, I'm leaving the house! YAY!

My new doctor reads all the feelings in my guts like a fucking psychic: He tells me I'm lonely, insecure, stressed, and that I'm dependent on external validation to feel good about myself. Towards the end of our session, he suggests that I, "let my hair down a little." And I know he's speaking literally.

And with that, I realized I could stand to loosen up. I know Los Angeles is infamous for its shallow inhabitants, which incited me to joke that I'll fit in perfectly. But do I really want that? I came here to open a new chapter, to chill out.

So after dinner, dude asks if I want to go to the ocean. Water gets up my ass, the bottom of my dress gets soaked, but it's fun. Driving home, he suggests we go nighttime swimming at the pool near the place we've been staying. My head says, "No, I need to keep working." I say let's do it.

And though I looked nowhere as hot as Denise Richards and Neve Campbell in "Wild Things" my "face" (or MAKEUP) hardly budged.

So for us shallow folk who need to look good whilst swimming, here are the products I was wearing that, apparently, can withstand water:

For my eyeliner, I wore Make Up Forever's Aqua Eye Liner. As I nevershut upabout it, let's move on...

On my lips is NARS' Velvet Matter Lip Pencil in Dragon Girl. It's a chubby pencil you can wear all over your lip and is much more bright-red than that nighttime snapshot depicts. It does smudge a bit with drinking and, say, making out, but stays in place better than most lipsticks.

For mascara, I'm wearing Maybelline's Volum'Express The Rocket Waterproof Mascara. I cry whenever I laugh or when a doctor tells me I really hate myself, but that it's OK, and that he has celebrity clients, and that he can help, so wearing a waterproof mascara all the time for me is vital.

Going over some of the reviews, I see some comments like, "You need a little elbow grease to get it off." To which I say, NO. When people scrub the skin around their eyes -- and their EYEBALLS -- I cringe. Fucking ow! And seriously, that is so bad for your precious little glazzies. Here's a secret:

Use Johnson's Baby Shampoo! My mom got this tip from an eye doctor, who probably wasn't a celebrity doctor -- as he wasn't in L.A. -- years ago, and it works! I usually buy the little travel-size bottles at the drugstore or Target and keep them next to the sink. (It's probably more economical to buy the big guy, though.)

Splash warm water on your eyes, put a pea-size amount of the shampoo on your fingertips, rub together with a little water, and GENTLY wash your eye makeup off. GENTLY!

For lip stuff that feels like it'll stay on forever, I coat my lips with Vaseline and wipe it off with a terry-cloth hand towel.

What are your favorite waterproof products? Do you leave the house without makeup? Are you shallow? Do you hate yourself?

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