OBSESSED WITH: Myself and my own misery. NO, with these crazy-gorgeous adhesive eyeliner strips from Dior!

PLUS: I'm totally Black Swanning today (what's new?).

Oct 3, 2011 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

I’m basically Black Swanning every second of my life, so these new stick-on velvet eyeliner strips from Dior – beauty spokesperson, Natalie Portman, natch – seem oddly appropriate for every day wear when I put them on.

In fact, I stormed into the office today (at noon -- early for me) with a wicked smoky eye that I’d done at home and then slapped on these babies in a mirror on my desk. Then I turned to Eric: “What do you think?”

I was in a terrible, scowly mood but secretly the eyeliner strips had cheered me up a little bit. They are so easy to do!

“You can’t even see them,” Eric said. Then, perhaps uneasily: “They’re, like … part of you.”

Yup, on my bad days I am the glowering, self-critical too-much-eyeliner-on nightmare that terrorizes every workplace setting I choose to inhabitate with the kind of toxic insecurity that destroys … well, it's not particularly compelling to anyone else or powerful in any way, so it doesn’t destroy much except my own self-worth and happiness, from hour to hour, until I hang out with a friend or something and the self-obsession and negativity recedes and I feel normal again!

(Does this stuff ever end? Do I have to hurl myself into a mirror? Why didn’t I watch that movie more carefully so I can reference it better? Jesus, mang. I'm so BORED of being UNHAPPY.)

Anyway, back to these babies: They are Dior Backstage Velvet Eyes Multi-Wear Adhesive Eyeliner-Patches:

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They are incredibly fabulous, Dior makeup artist-designed, and unbelievably simple to do: peel ‘em off, stick em on, look hot and dramatic, vamp around the office feeling both compulsively attention-seeking and unable to make eye contact with anyone, because, well … you’re difficult, and freaky.

“Is Jane coming in?” I ask Bryan every 20 minutes or so. “Where is she? Can I book a meeting?”

I like to corner my adult female bosses, see, and demand love and validation. When I learn that Jane isn’t coming in on any given day when I am there (since launch, I’d say I’ve been in-office approximately 1.5 days out of every 5), I am crestfallen. But doesn’t she want to see me…? And bitter. Why do I even bother coming in -- just to sit at my desk and WORK all day?

What I really need is an in-office Mila Kunis, someone besides the mother figure to confide in and be dramatic for. Thank God, then, for my new assistant Julie, who was my intern back in the day when I was a beauty editor at Lucky and saw me at the very worst that I have ever been -- in the weeks leading up to my first major mental hospitalization.

While I was gone, intern Julie had to sit in my desk at Lucky and handle the influx of email, beauty products, and other beauty editor-ish stuff that I had long since become incapable of completing without bursting into tears and going into my then-boss’s office to have an hour-long closed-door talk about how talented I was and how I was going to pull through this. (I didn’t, really, since after I got back from the hospital I just abruptly quit my job one day from my chair.)

Anyway, I trust Julie, who has seen me at a time when I was literally hallucinating rats under my desk. Julie knows not to overwhelm me and that I need to be handled … delicately, and that that’s just how it is and who I am. She’s also fantastic-looking, so I want her to model all of the beauty products I ever get, see:

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I advise anyone who loves a dramatic look to buy these Dior things, and I also know -- call it a sixth beauty director sense -- that these things are going to sell out and be impossible to get, except on, like, eBay, and of course we don’t want you buying your beauty products on Ebay all-jacked up in the price and bootleggy.

Obviously these things will lose their stickiness over time, but that’s what tiny drops of lash glue are for. I would also advise – for most precise application – pressing these on with … I was going to say the point of a pencil, but then I realized that I was literally advising you guys to JAB PENCILS AT YOUR EYES.

No, little swans, we only do that in our spare time!

Okay, so let’s say place these on as close to the lash line as you can with tweezers if you want to be super-precise about it, then press them on with the back end of a pair of the tweezers.

But that’s just my fancy beauty advice; honestly, Julie and I pressed them on with our fingers in all of 10 seconds, and look how good they look!

I’m in a much better mood now that I look so pretty.

How do you deal with Black Swan-y days?

Track Cat's eternal Black Swandive on Twitter at @cat_marnell, bitches!