How To Look Like a Super-Glamorous Disco Hooker

There’s no real inspiration behind this look, but I think the words “disco hooker” do it justice. Take that as you will, but I think it’s super glamorous.

Dec 14, 2012 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

image

‘Sup.

There’s no real inspiration behind this look, but I think the words “disco hooker” do it justice. Take that as you will, but I think it’s super glamorous. Honestly, I just wanted to re-up my supply of the most amazing copper eye shadow and have an excuse to finally start searching for a blackish-red matte lipstick, which, by the way, doesn’t exist in my immediate reality.   

And now for the tutorial.

image

Huge difference, I know.

The left is of my naked face, never complete without a set of surly pube brows. Can you tell that I’ve been drinking silver? Jane said that it makes you glow. Actually, it made me break out in hot, itchy hives on my head, face and arms. Google said this was just my blood being cleaned. I guess that the microscopic silver shrapnel particles just wash your veins out steel-wool-style as you anxiously wait for your throat to swell shut.

“I hope they bury me in that fringe dress,” I thought, spending what could have been my last 20 minutes alive clicking between Reddit and Yoox. I really don’t want any of my friends to take it.

The right is of me with a thin dabbing of Armani Luminous Silk Foundation. So that I get the sheerest layer possible, I dampen a wedge makeup sponge with some water. Then I dab the sponge into a small drop of makeup and lightly press the watery foundation mixture into my face, especially under my eyes and around my nose. You can always layer for more coverage, but I hate putting straight-up foundation on my face. Blend with your fingersticks.  

image

I’ve wanted to try Make Up For Ever’s HD Powder since Dee Dee said she used it before shows. She referred to its purchase as, “switching over” to a higher quality product, which my post-adolescent brain worms interpreted as, “This powder is a stepping stone to womanhood.” I think next comes matching bras and panties. By 35, I’ll have uniform, chip-free fingers and toes. Always. At 40, my handbag will finally become organized, and I’ll know I’ve been doing it right if I’m slathering La Mer on my tits at 60. 

So, yeah, I think I’m well on my way with this HD stuff. I hate using cheesy buzzwords, but I can only describe the look as “airbrushed.” The powder is so fine and delicate that it dusts onto your skin perfectly without looking chalky. Plus, buying it is easy. It comes in one color that doesn’t match any human skin tone, but somehow matches all human skin tones. Don’t hurt your pretty little heads, this stuff is so hi-def and scientific and French that we’ll just never understand it. Let’s just sprinkle it all over ourselves and smile like assholes. 

Next, I very lightly warmed up my complexion with some pseudo-bronzer by Chanel at the sides of my face. I can’t take any wannabe brown shimmer substance seriously as a bronzer, and this stuff definitely reflects light. But honestly, what hooker wants less shimmer? Plus, I gotta use it because it’s Chanel and costs, like, $60. 

image

I wanted to keep all of the colors dark and rich, so slapping on some soft pink blush wouldn’t work. I rummaged and found some old Revlon lipstick in In The Red, which I light-handedly dabbed at the widest part of my cheeks. TA DA! Red blush. 

image

The eyes are super easy, only two products. Mac Amber Lights eye shadow is one of the best metallics ever. It’s a highly pigmented, orangey copper that gives coverage like a paint. It was my jam in junior high and is on the short list of makeup products that I have ever repurchased. Just cover the lid below the crease with 1-2 layers right up into the lash line, being careful not to let too much powder fall onto the lashes. Take a fluffy blending brush and blend the edges upward to soften the shape.

I didn’t want to curl my lashes because that would only cover up my sick metallic copper lids. Sephora showered me with a singular fun-sized makeup gift; this time it was Clinique High Impact Mascara. Fancy department store mascaras have that distinctive, sexy wet slurp when you pull the wand out from the tube. These are the only ones that are wet and thick enough to arrange your lashes in spikes, like I did here. Just comb on a light coat and pinch and twist little sections together, using the wet mascara as a glue to hold the tips in a point. 

I needed a super dark, matte bluish red lip to realize my disco hooking dream look. No lipstick is ever good enough to match the made-up perfect lipstick colors in my brain, but I got pretty close by first lining and filling my lips with Milani Sugar Plum, and then going over it with Mac Diva. I blotted the excess and then dusted over my lips with a bit of that magical dream powder and continued to smile like an asshole. 

image

I look like Michael Christopher Kelso in drag.

This ended up being my New Year's dress, 2012 edition. I like that it’s shiny but doesn’t leave a trail of broken sequin shards every time I move around. The color is pretty, and the shape is nice, but the slit is literally cut up to my bellybutton. Which leaves us with one question: Do you guys want to see my vagina?

Posted in Beauty, shoppables, makeup, skin