This Cellulite Cream Is Like 100 Squats In A Bottle

Butts, butts, butts, butts.

I have cellulite on my butt and thighs. Rub right under my cheeks and it’s like reading braille, but IDC because body positivity and feminism and all that.

Also, I’m pretty thin, and not the type of thin person that calls him or herself fat just because they have fat. Lower body lumps and jiggles are traits I’m aware of, but rarely attempt to alter. I accept them like boogers, camel toes, and other things that simply come with existing. ALAS, loving beauty means that subjective “flaws” are regularly brought to my attention anyway.

A press release for the Nerium Firming Body Contour Cream slid through my inbox a couple weeks ago. You’ll either respect my honesty or tell me to kick rocks when I admit that I only requested a sample because it’s expensive ($110, holy shizzits) and I’m a princess and wanted to rub one hundred dollars worth of lotion on my jelly.

So one morning I rubbed the fancy cream on my butt cheeks and the thigh meat adjacent to said butt cheeks, AND AFTER 12 HOURS EVERY LUMP AND DIMPLE HAD FUCKING DISAPPEARED AND I WAS LIKE HUH?!??!! I want to show a before and after picture of my now smooth dump truck, but I won’t because murderers.

To be honest, I was really weirded out, considering this is the second infomercial beauty product to work for me. With a bit of research I found a video on YouTube featuring extreme before and after images, as well as dramatic transformation photos on the Nerium website.

Apparently firming cream is meant to serve as a solution for severely wrinkled and sagging skin, like for anyone who may have lost a large amount of weight or given birth to a human. I fit into neither category, and would have to witness that magic to believe it.

David Kirsch (personal trainer to multiple Victoria’s Secret angels and other super hot celebrities) gave his stamp of approval, and apparently recommends Nerium to his clients. However, it’s important to keep in mind that these clients are already in shape. The Body Contour Cream did work for me, but like I mentioned earlier, I’m skinny.

Hesitations aside, I love this cream as a tool for performers, models, and makeup artists. Regardless of whether the formula is capable of plastic surgery ready results, it does plump and tone the skin. Pair it with some leg makeup, a spray tan, or the Jergens BB Body Perfecting Skin Cream to look all smooth and sexified. Kind of like how actresses always have perfect wax-looking crossed legs when being interviewed on late night talk shows.

One hundred squats per day, dry brushing, magic potions -- there are all kinds of strategies to battle cellulite, but it seems like mine always comes back eventually. I love this quote by Jane Wagner: “I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again, my cellulite must have déjà vu”.


What do you guys think? Can you be bothered with worrying about your cellulite? If so, what magic tricks do you have up your sleeve?

Follow Courtney on Twitter and Instagram @courtneypizza