It's gonna get sappy up in here.
What up, felons!
Now that Sofia Coppola’s “Bling Ring” has finally hit theaters, the nation’s fascination with this high profile teen heist has been reawakened. I’m so glad! I love the Bling Ring. Watching the weirdly amazing story play out was so crazy, wasn’t it? A bunch of privileged, bored, badly behaved girls and one boy (me) running around Hollywood and robbing their favorite celebrities blind? Scandalous AND glamorous! I’ve got a couple beauty products to snatch when we’re cleaning house on our fave A-Listers.
Time to rob some celebrities!
First we’re going to use our fake IDs to get into Beso and get wasted. Liquid courage, obviously. But who should we rob first? “Like, who would leave a door unlocked? Who would leave a lot of money lying around?” Paris Hilton. I stalked her on Twitter and she’s hosting a party in Vegas this weekend, so she won’t be home. She even leaves a key under her mat, so we can let ourselves right in.
Listen, I know we’re being really careless here, but we need to at least try to disguise ourselves. For starters, we can wear hoodies over our heads. Next, we're going to walk backward up the hill that Paris’s mansion sits on so our faces won’t be recognizable in the footage from the security cameras. But we need to do a little more in the way of disguises. Black ski masks? No. We’re not animals. Let’s start with some jet black makeup.
If we’re gonna pull off this burglary, we want our faces to be as unrecognizable as possible, and a jet black lip LOOK is the perfect place to start. For this, we turn to Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetic’s Lip Tar.
I like to exfoliate my lips before applying the lip tar. I know that lip exfoliant is totally "first world," but, I mean, I just like having a smooth surface.
Next, a black eyeshadow. Not rocket science, I know, but do you know how hard it is to find black eye shadow that’s a flat black with no shimmer, glitter, or any sort of iridescence? It ain’t easy, baby. But the Sephora collection at, well, Sephora, has a true black shadow without anything to add dimension. Sometimes a girl just wants a basic black! The shadow is very easy to work with, it’s buildable, and it's great for blending. Mix it with your favorite shade of shadow or wear it all by itself for a dramatic eye that is perfect for disguising our identity from the LAPD.
When were ransacking Paris’s mansion, run into her bathroom and grab the Benefit “Primping With The Stars” kit.
This kit is perfect not only because the name helps illustrate our obsession with celebrity and getting as close to famous people as possible, so much so that we’re robbing their homes, but also because it is filled with teeny little makeup essentials that are perfect for throwing in your (stolen) handbag. It’s not like all of these socialites have their glam squad trailing them at all times, so this little kit is perfect for quick touch ups.
Some of the standouts of the six pieces in this kit are the Benetint Rose Lip & Cheek Stain, the Girl Meets Pearl Illuminator, and a mini They’re Real Beyond Mascara. All of these little products are just what you need for a big beauty rescue halfway through your night out. You wouldn't to hit TMZ looking unkempt.
Speaking of illuminators, girl, you cold use some glow. All of that Oxy you’re smoking paired with your cocaine addiction and everything else that rounds out your $10,000 a week drug habit is really taking a toll on your face! And you’re going to need to be beaming, like the innocence is just radiating off of you, when you make your statement on the steps of the courthouse on the day of the trial, so make sure you grab some illuminators. Like these!
To me, this is half tinted moisturizer, half concealer. The Moisture Tint is feather light, but provides heavy-duty coverage, so a little bit really goes a long way. You can apply it with a makeup sponge or even with your fingers and it quickly evens out skin tone, disguises imperfections, and fades the appearance of fine lines. The best thing is that the light-diffusing mineral formula doesn’t make you look oily or overly “dewy” like some illuminators do. It’s also spf 20, so your face won’t burn while you’re walking down Rodeo Drive tomorrow, spending all of your stolen cash.
Jouer also makes one of my favorite products for summer (or all of the damn time), Luminizing Body Glow!
Sometimes, when I’m looking for a little extra glow, I’ll mix some liquid face illuminator with lotion and then slather it all over myself, but Jouer makes an illuminator specifically for your body!
It’s like liquid rose gold and it’s pretty as HELL. The shine is noticeable but subtly so, it’s beautiful. It’s not one of those “illuminating body lotions” that are really just lotions with super fine body glitter. This really does sink right into your skin to give you a little bit extra radiance.
In the photo above, I'm wearing both the Luminizing Moisture Tint and the Luminizing Body Glow. You can really see the body glow since I look more, like, contoured, or something. That and the fact that I'm getting ripped but that's neither here nor there.
In the photo BELOW, I swatched (or whatever) both of the illuminators on my hand. On the left is the moisture tint, which looks more like a concealer. On the right, we have the body glow, which looks a lot more pearlescent, almost like liquid rose gold.
Everyone knows that the one place to really bring your cleanest, most sophisticated beauty look, is your court appearance. So when our asses get caught, don’t think of it as a low point! Just strut right into that court room with your reality television camera crew in tow, and show them that not only are you innocent, but you also a mad pretty.
But SUBTLETY is key here. Save the red lip for all of your television interviews. In the courtroom, a nude lip is always the way to go.
Tom Ford Lip Color in Sable Smoke
Tom Ford’s lip colors are lightweight, while being seriously moisturizing. The lip color provides impressive opacity without being too dense, so you can still get a more sheer color if you so choose. I’m obsessed with the Sable Smoke color (the name, not so much) because the medium beige nude is wearable for a wide range of skin tones, whereas the more “vanilla” nudes, shall we call them, are usually only good for the fairer skinned. Do you love that shade? I’m salivating over it.
Finally, nails. You’ve got to have a fresh manicure when you’re in court, I mean, who would DARE take the stand with chipped polish? But you don’t want it to be over the top, this is not the time for nail art, ladies.
Our favorite polish company, Floss Gloss, just dropped two new shades on us for summer. Pony is a bright peach pastel, perfect for summer. Sidenote: I have decided that Floss Gloss shades are witchcraft. The colors seriously glow. Even in broad daylight, the colors are just brighter than any other nail colors out there. Period.
Oh, but back to our court appearance. The other Floss Gloss summer color that is perfect for our debut in the courtroom debut is BLOOD, SUEDE & TEARS.
Described as a bloody orange brown, this brown will take you through summer all the way into fall (summer will never end). Blood, Suede, & Tears is the perfect shade for court because it will match your four-inch little brown BeBe shoes. (TWENTY NINE DOLLARS!)
What are your favorite beauty products to steal from famous people? What celebrities would you rob? Wanna go see Bling Ring?
Tynan is stealing your clothes, jewelry, and hearts on Twitter: @TynanBuck.