There's yogurt and jelly in here, and you can't eat either.
HI! OK, so above is me like two weekends ago somewhere in the Hamptons (I never know which beach I'm on, you know?). I was there for my friend Matisse Patterson’s (she's a sick artist; check it!) annual birthday bonfire bash – the dopest party ever.
Obviously – being me -- I partied trés hard. Like within an hour and a half I was the first bitch to dunk myself in the AMAZING water.
Which made it glow all around me! We were bonfiring on the bay, see, which was full of these bizarre little, like … squid. No, bioluminescent plankton! They’re creepy little sea creatures that light up only when you touch them, so then all the inky dark water around you twinkles like a gorgeous starry sky:
I couldn’t get enough of this, let me tell you. I was out in the water in the dark dark DARK for what seemed like hours, but was probably only 20 minutes. Eventually people on shore started hollering for me because everyone thought I was all f’ed up and likely to drown, which I wasn’t!
Well, not THAT likely. The truth is, I can't remember how messed up I really was. I just remember that I was just happy, 60 feet out and quietly enjoying my little light show.
After I was back on shore for a while, the sexiest thing happened! My hair dried into these ropey dreadlocks, kinda, and I looked so cool! Well, I like to look messy, so I thought I looked cool. And pretty!
THEN: Guess who ELSE thought it was pretty? This sexy, tan surfer boy named SAM. I smoked a joint with him by the water and totally made out with him and let him feel me up and everything! It was crazy and sooo sexy and romantic.
Like, I know I like to glibly call myself a slut on this site and everything, but the fact is that I’m more PRO-slut than anything and totally don’t get around as much as I’d like. So I was PSYCHED to have made out with Sexy Sam. I stopped for personal and political reasons, though I probably should have boned him right there under the stars. He was that cute; seriously!
Anyhow, back to my awesome though I-know-not-for-everyone hair. I stayed at the beach until around 8 am and kept going in and out of the water.
Eventually I swam all the way across the bay (while my stern friends looked on) to the OTHER bank of the bay, then from there wandered over to the actual ocean -- where I totally “POINTBREAK”ed (Pointbroke?) and swam wayyy far out to sea as the sun was rising, so the sky was pink and the water was blue and just like that -- the whole world looked PURPLE.
And in the cool salt water, all the burns I’d given myself all over my hands from dumbly holding sparklers (thanks for the photo, PJ of Don Clothing New York!) too long felt way better:
Nature therapy: You should all try it. City life makes me insane! I had such fun on the beach. I kept cooking all this corn in the fire and pulling it out with my bare hands, and taking off all my clothes and wandering around looking for rocks (I found the BEST rocks). It was awesome!
Well, at least for me. Hopefully my friends weren’t babysitting me as much as they’d have me believe. I mean, I did gnaw open those glowsticks and pour them all over my body, but for the way people screamed at me when the stuff got in my mouth, you’d have thought I was about to fall down and effing die!!! And I was FINE. Geez.
Anyway again, by the time I was hauled off the beach into our rented Mustang convertible (I always INSIST on a convertible even though I am by default never the driver) my hair was full of salt and sand – and it had never looked better!
The good news is that I have a salt spray here at home that not only MIMICS the authentic ocean effect, it does so without all the frizziness above! Yes, this lavender-smelling awesomeness potion gives me beachy, fabulous hair like CRAZY-WELL sooo fast, in just like 10 seconds after I spritz it on -- and I bet it will do the same for you.
I know there are a lot of salt sprays out there, and let me tell you – most of them are good. THIS one just happens to be my favorite:
It’s the John Masters Organics Sea Mist Salt Spray! No, it's not a new product, but bitches, guess what? I am not a slave to that editorial machine. I'm always going to tell you which products in the world are the best of the best of the best, even if they are nine zillion years old and thus not NEWSWORTHY to some. But that's a tangent for another time.
Back to the John Masters spray: It's $16.50 for a hefty bottle that lasts a long time. When I was an editor at Lucky, we all were obsessed with it. It makes your hair voluminous, wavy and super-sexy just so. Yes, it causes tangles but all the surf sprays do -- that's the point.
This one is just maddeningly good. Like I have bleached out hair that gets meh and fluffy -- this revives it and makes it all Britney video in seconds. Just spritz on dry hair, floof it around a little bit and do some twisty nonsense, and BAM -- you're ferociously hot! Better-looking. I swear it.
SO -- what do YOU do to get beachy waves? And have you ever made out on the beach (it was my first time!)? Should I have boned Sexy Sam? I read all your comments -- let's go!