Do Brazilian Bikini Waxes Make You Pee Funny?

And have you ever wanted to make the girl who was in the bathroom in front of you GO BACK AND CLEAN THAT SHIT UP?

Aug 3, 2012 at 1:00pm | Leave a comment

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OK, so something has been bothering me for a while, and I feel it’s time to get it off my chest.

It seems like over the past couple of years that there has been an ALARMING increase in urine on public toilet seats. Now, granted, I don’t expect it to be PRISTINE in there, and I know that girls are NASTY in the bathroom anyway (anyone who has lived in a dorm or had roommates knows exactly what I’m talking about), but it seems like urine isn’t just confined to the seat anymore. It’s on the floor, the back of the toilet, the walls.

It’s not the ZOO, it’s a BATHROOM.

So, it got me thinking: When did this excess pee situation begin? I thought back and then it occurred to me that it was right about the same time as the rise in popularity of Brazilian bikini waxes.

I hypothesized that Brazilians were to blame for Urinepalooza because I know when I get Brazilians, I have been known to lose my way. I don’t even mean from a squatting position. I could be completely seated and suddenly the normal direction goes from straight line to buckshot approach.

How -- and more important, why -- does this happen? Inquiring minds wanted to know, so I started asking questions.

Suffice it to say, in all of my years as a beauty editor I have never known the industry to BACK AWAY from a chance to be interviewed on a subject. And yet, after repeated emails, I got a LOT of “Well, we don’t really feel qualified to answer this question.” Hmm.

I won’t say which establishments, because my bikini waxer works at one of these establishments and the last thing you want is an angry woman yielding scalding hot wax over your privates. Let’s just say that the common answer was: “No comment.”

So, I decided to go to a gynecologist to get some answers. I picked up the phone and rang up Dr. Jennifer Ashton, MD,  Board Certified OB/GYN, television medical expert and author of Your Body Beautiful.  Dr. Ashton didn’t back down and went straight for the answer:

“Pubic hair can potentially alter the stream of urine, but it’s the vulva‘s soft tissue that has the greatest impact. So trimming vs. waxing isn’t really the issue. The swelling of the vulva post-waxing (especially right afterward) can cause the stream of urine to be different, and actually more directed.”

What’s really to blame is our general lack of leg strength. “The biggest issue is that women squat and don’t touch the seat, so they’re moving all over the place. “

She attempted to assuage my fears of the offensive remnants. “Urine is sterile, so even though it’s gross, it is a sterile bodily fluid. You don’t necessarily want to go sitting in it, but it can’t hurt you.”

Dr. Ashton does warn that there are a couple of concerns for Brazilian-loving bikini wax fans: infections. “The area becomes damaged when you rip out hair, which can serve as an entry point for bacteria. There’s just more surface area for skin-to-skin contact, making infections like herpes or HPV more likely. There’s also a risk of infection (albeit a low one) from an unclean waxing establishment. Be sure to always go to a clean location that has passed their health inspection and never allow a waxer to double dip.”

Good to know. As someone who once suffered a staph infection down there, my vadge and I are highly opposed to any kind of double dipping, and I reserve the right to perform a white glove test before assuming the position.

But Dr. Ashton’s not opposed to the removal of all the hair from your lady business. “On the good side, I have many patients experience an increase in their own sexiness factor with grooming and Brazilians. The women love the way they look and feel as do their partners. There’s an increase in oral sex with Brazilians as well, so, you know, it’s not a BAD thing.”

I mean, personally, this is why I’m doing it. I wouldn’t rip my hair out by the roots if there wasn’t something in it for me. Just saying.

So even though Brazilians aren’t really the cause of my consistent gross out in public restrooms and you’ve now been thoroughly schooled on what can happen if you don’t double-bag your lady bits against STIs, I want to drop some science on you: It’s called a Wall Sit.

No, seriously: The next time you’re in the gym, find a wall and do a static squat against the wall until your body forms a chair formation. Stay there for a minute at a time for a total of 10-15 reps, and it will strengthen your thigh muscles to the point where a couple of seconds over a toilet will seem like child’s play.

Do it for the sisterhood. And please -- aim well, girls. At least hit the WATER, por favor. Because whether you wax, shave, laser or go au naturel, SOMEONE has to come behind you.

Do bikini waxes alter the way you use the bathroom? Have you ever wanted to make the girl who was in the bathroom in front of you GO BACK AND CLEAN THAT SHIT UP? Let’s get all pissy and talk about it.