It's gonna get sappy up in here.
I don’t think it's funny when anybody’s going through a tough time. It sucks to be arrested!
When I was 16, I was handcuffed in my bikini on a boat on the Fourth of July, taken to jail, and almost got my mugshot taken before the police realized that I had lied about my age (lied about all of my information, really) and was a minor. So they let me change out of the black and white jumpsuit, into the free bin clothes at the police station in Middle-of-Nowhere Texas, and ordered me a pizza while I waited in the sheriff’s office for my mom to drive four hours to bail me out. Boss twat.
It was actually a pretty cute outfit. If there was any time that I’ve ever repped my idol, Vanessa Lutz, it was in those high-waisted, true-blue Jordache denim hot shorts and Tommy Hilfiger red baby T with the teeny American flag patch on the chest.
So I dodged the mugshot at 16, but with law enforcement’s latest brutal crackdown on attractive, famous young women, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little worried; worried that they’d frame me for something illegal that I didn’t do, because I honestly have no idea what they’d even be talking about. I collect vases--so what?!
(OK, sorry. Innocent till proven guilty. For real. Take either side of the situation. It’s ridiculous.)
If there’s one chick that’s had plenty of practice with the harsh flash and life-sucking dull gray backdrop of the mugshot, it’s one Lindsay Lohan. She’s had six.
You can clearly see a progression. In her first, she’s a little bewildered, a little bleary-eyed. Totally understandable! I was crying the moment my friends and I were herded into that police van; I knew it wasn’t taking us back to our cars, where all the real “controlled substances” were anyway. Psh.
By her sixth, almost six years later, she’s totally serving it! False eyelashes, perfectly contoured cheeks, smug brows like she’s been there before--because she had, like five times. Chick even came to jail wearing stripes! If Lindsay’s taught me anything, it’s that preparedness is key.
I actually don't feel too critical toward her first mugshot. She looks almost beach-y with her tousled hair and some color on her face. I love the freckles--for real! If there's one thing I'd take from this look, it'd be the freckles. Obviously the rest won't work for my impending arrest.
But if you ever find yourself needing to look upset and distraught, abused eye makeup is your best bet. Smudge a creamy pencil around your lash line, and for a real pro, tweak out on an iced red eye (aptly named!) and attempt to apply Guerlain's loose powder kohl onto your waterline on a moving train. It's best to load the stick applicator with excess powder, so you'll really start to tear up. Now attempt to remove the whole mess with an off-brand baby wipe. You're ready to solicit sympathy from your booking officer!
Next we have a more glam look from Lindsay. She appears to be in full makeup at the time of her arrest. The smoky eye and nude lips say that sh
e was probably out for a fun night of partying and made a few bad choices.
I mean, this look was clearly meant for nighttime, so let's not get bitchy over the extra bronzer that was only emphasized by the terrible lighting. Not even I can pull it off under these circumstances. Clearly.
Without pointing any fingers, a popular makeup brand exists that makes a nice, orange-tinted spray foundation. I caked it on. I think I look like Katie Price and Sylvester Stallone's secret love child that just got done huffing the fumes straight out of an automatic spray-tan booth, which--Jesus, I hate when people say that, those two would never make a baby.
What I'm trying to say is that I look totally busted in this. You don't want a tutorial anyway. NEXT.
In 2010 we see that she's still loving the tan look, and instead of waves she's opted for sleeker hair. While the contrast with the light golden blonde is a bit harsh, Lindsay pulls it off.
She's also apparently never arrested without eyeliner, which begs the question if she's ever without eyeliner. There's a pattern common in a few of her mugshots of applying a dark liner about three-fourth's of the way across her bottom lashes. I'm super in to Urban Decay's 24/7 Glide On Pencils, and thought that Delinquent was the appropriate shade for this one.
I used a healthy coating of SunlessPro aerosol bronzer on my face, neck, and chest, because if Lindsay is anything here, she's evenly toasted. And everything--Lindsay Lohan is everything.
Hopefully by now, we've all come to the agreement that this coloring is not an option for me, so moving on...
She was back to a nice, natural red later that year--thank GOD for any future beauty editors whose bosses force them to recreate her mugshots.
She looked well-rested, had a glowy complexion, and a bright pastel pink lip. I think she had a heads-up that she was getting snapped this time; Lindsay really nailed a more put-together look.
In we're-basically-the-same-person news, she's emoting pretty strongly through the brows, which are clean and slightly caramel. I tinted mine with some Anastasia Brow Gel in, you know, Caramel. Notice that the whites of her eyes are really popping in this one. Look wide awake and coherent with some white liner in your waterline.
We're also, coincidentally, both not hating the grungy grease babe hair thing. Hers looks freshly washed, though, if a little damp. You can achieve the same results by forgetting to bathe for three days.
Alas, it's her great pink lip that just doesn't work for me from this option. A matte light pink has never worked for me, in or out of custody, but Sephora's Color Lip Last in Life in Pink smells like straight-up Smarties if you can dig it.
So Lindsay really threw a curve ball here with the platinum hair and pale skin. I'm actually not hating this look, I think she looks somewhat ethereal--and yah that's seriously how huge my lips look with the Lip Injection EXTREME gloss stuff from Too Faced. In fact, I think this might be my winner. No, it's definitely not going to be my everyday look, but isn't that the beauty of it? To be barely recognizable in my mugshot? I could be staring up at my mother from the cover of Busted! at 7-11 and she would never even realize it.
Wait, that would never happen. My mother doesn't shop anywhere with spinning hotdogs and cheese from pumps.
I used the same pale-skin method as I did for my Liv Tyler look: FACE Stockholm's Liquid Mineral Foundation in Synlig. Her eyebrows are more of a cool grey tone than caramel in this one, so I buffed in FACE Stockholm's Brow Shadow in Storm.
She's really reined in the contouring at this point; get a more subtle glow with Too Faced's Chocolate Soleil Matte Bronzing Powder which is brown--not orange--smells great, and applies beautifully.
And for her latest, she's back to the natural hair color. Doesn't she seem more confident in those shots? Her skin looked great, her cheekbones were accentuated but not overly bronzed, and she was throwing some salty side-eye directly into the lens. Well... front-eye or whatever. So hot.
It was in recreating this look that I discovered Sephora's cream blush in coral flush, which applied beautifully sheer for a cream consistency and layered nicely.
She seems to prefer false lashes with a bit more length at he outer edge. I used Velour's mink lashes in "T Dot Oooh" mostly because they're mink.
I can't pull off a full face of makeup as well as Lindsay does, and I still prefer the more subtle platinum look for when I'm falsely accused of something horrible that I would never do. Ever.
In reality, Lindsay is great at taking mugshots because she’s beautiful. She’s beautiful and funny, and I truly idolized her as an impressionable young middle-schooler. I’m looking forward to her completing treatment and getting back on the grind. And I sincerely hope that I’ll never have to recreate another Lohan mugshot because all this self-tanner and bronzer is WRECKING my complexion.
To finish on an important note, as I proofread this I'm compelled to just remind everybody that I'm actually mega attractive when I'm not impersonating Lindsay Lohan's mugshots.