It's gonna get sappy up in here.
There’s not a lot shit I won’t try when it comes to skin care.
As soon as my mammoth oozing zits, furious blackheads and tiny wrinkles began to coexist (a period I call The Fall), I took up my yoke and began the hunt. I purchased every wash, tincture and treatment known to man in a furious bid to retake control over my pores.
I am not alone in this. I know scads of ladies who are all about extreme measures when it comes to keeping their face-meat blemish-free, eternally youthful, and loads of other garbage. Exhibit this article about Fire Facials.
I discreetly checked the immediate area surrounding my desk before clicking on that one, because I was like, privately hopeful slash suspicious that I was about to get the drop on the latest in sexual kinkery.
Sadly (?) that was not the case. Rather than a salacious pictorial involving bullet-pointed tips about not burning your wiener off, I was presented with the "latest" trend in boutique facials. The fire facial is exactly what it sounds like -- YOU SET FIRE TO YOUR FACE, or at least a towel soaked in alcohol that rests atop your face. Clearly, this eliminates sagging skin and wrinkles.
I guess I should have been shocked -- “ALACK, WHAT ARE WE WOMEN DRIVEN TO IN OUR PURSUIT OF PERFECTION, ETCETERA, RAGE, ETCETERA CATHY CARTOONS ETCETERA CATS ETCETERA” -- but instead I was more “meh."
Truthfully, building a small fire on one’s face to kill a dead layer of skin seemed almost...logical. What I’m saying is I was basically Amy Jellicoe in "Enlightened" all being like “BURN IT TO THE GROUND” but instead of an evil corporation that had wronged me, I was talking about my face.
I guess it’s no small wonder considering the number of asinine things I have done to my moneymaker in the hunt for beautiful. Here are just the top 5:
1.) Got High And Stuck Several Candies To My Face
So there I was, 19 years old and incapable of maintaining any hair color for longer than eight days. I wore more powder than Powder, and once, after getting so high that blinking took real thought, I passed out on my bed and woke in the middle of the night to discover that I had snoozed mid-lollipop noms and wound up with the sticky treat adhered to my face.
In the bathroom, after peeling it off, I notice the skin where it had adhered seemed dewy and fresh. Still prodigiously baked, it seemed only logical to take all the candy I could find and stick it to my face with spit. The results, while inconclusive, were too shameful for me to report on the then-industry standard for advancements in cosmetics -- my LiveJournal.
2.) Expired Honey And Some Aspirins Facial
This is an oldie right? Crushing up aspirin and making a paste? Honey for exfoliation? As is often my undoing while cooking, I did not take lack of non-expired ingredients to hinder my attempts and forged onward with expired clover honey replete with toast crumbs and an Aleve I found in the emergency first aid kit in my closet. That shit made cat hair stick to my face and also gave me hives.
3.) Used a Piece of Duct Tape Instead of a Biore Strip
After once -- JOKINGLY -- saying that using a piece of strong tape would be just as effective at ripping out oozing dirt bullets from your schnoz, I decided to put my money where my mouth was and attempted this. It did not work, and also I got a friction burn on my face. Additionally having typed the words oozing dirt bullets has made me le sick to my tum.
4.) Viewed Margaret Atwood’s "The Handmaid’s Tale" As Legitimate Beauty Guide
I loved "The Handmaid’s Tale." Margaret Atwood is the best, even if when I professed my undying love for her at a book signing she said nothing nor looked me in the eye -- she is still the best. But she is not, and I think she’d agree with me here, in the business of giving beauty tips. That said, when I read about the main character hiding butter in a shoe to use later on her dry skin, I was all “that shit is crazy enough to work” and buttered my chin. I was delicious and a fool.
5.) Used Eyeglass Repair Kit As Extraction Kit Slash Accidentally Cut Off A Mole You Guys
I’m not proud of this one. If that implies I’m proud of any of these, that is also incorrect. But you know when you have those moments of just fixating on one thing in the mirror? It’s a little dysmorphic and you lose all sense of the real versus the illusory? I had that happen with a zit that had taken residence WITHIN a mole on my face.
I couldn’t quite "get it" and in a series of increasingly more desperate tactics, settled on the tiny screwdriver from my glasses kit as the perfect implement for removal. Yeah. It wasn’t. And you know what’s more noticeable than a mole-zit? A spurting, bloody hole where both mole and zit used to live.
How about you? What messed up shizz hast thou done for thy face’s sake? Share, share, share! Additionally if flammable semen is something you know about -- I will also accept those tidbits.