3 Reasons Why You Should Own Baby Wipes

Even if you don’t have a baby. Actually -- especially if you don’t have a baby.
Publish date:
August 2, 2012
fupa, baby wipes, M

I was riding the tube last night, and I sat next to the rankest, stankest man on the planet. Seriously, he smelled like a hot piping cup of cock chowder. (Now I know why all of the seats around him were empty.)

The compassionate part of me really wanted to hand him a travel-sized baby wipe for a quick "ho bath" (see breakdown below), but as a complete stranger, that wasn’t my place. Plus, I’m not sure how well it would have been received, so the terrified-of-angry-crazy-people part of me just left it alone and allowed my nose to continue to suffer the assault.

Anyway, remember when actor Terrence Howard made this gem of a remark to Elle back in 2007 on dating deal breakers?

"Toilet paper -- and no baby wipes—in the bathroom. If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go in a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."

Yeah, that one got under my skin (not sure why), so I took his ignorant unsolicited advice. (I never want to be disqualified from a long-term relationship because someone automatically thinks I don’t clean my bussy -- butt + pussy -- well enough.)

Since then, my love of el cheapo baby wipes has further intensified, and now I keep them around for a plethora of reasons:

1)Sexy Time: Keep a pack in your nightstand for easy access after a marathon moanin’ and bonin’ session. They’re perfect for quick cleanups for you, for him (or her -- no judgments), and for the sheets (if you get down like that -- again, no judgments).

2)Dead Damn Drunk Day: Next time you get shit-faced, don’t skip the makeup removal step. Grab a baby wipe and wipe it all off before you stumble to bed, couch or to the tub. (I’ve slept in the tub on numerous occasions. Seriously, shower curtains are the best makeshift comforters ever. As long as they’re dry.)

Although they aren’t as good, there’s no need go searching for cotton pads and actual makeup remover -- sometimes that shit just ain’t happening.

3)Ho Baths: When you don't have enough time for a full-blown bath or even a quick shower, take a "ho bath." That’s when you hit all of the important spots with one wipe (taking care to move from north to south, if you know what I mean).

Most important areas to hit? Get that neck -- front and back, under your pits, in-between and under your boobs, in your belly button, under your FUPA (if you have one -- I know I do), in the crooks of your knees and elbows and of course, your bussy (see definition above). Nothing’s worse than smelly swamp ass.

Are you a fan of baby wipes? What do you use them for?