ARE WE DOING THIS NOW: Gargantuan Hair Clips. For Monsters!

They're three times the size of your ear, and extra deadly! Fine, they're not deadly, but wouldn't that make this article more interesting?

Jun 6, 2011 at 2:03pm | Leave a comment

WELL, friends. I am sitting here on my bed watching the MTV Movie Awards (OMIGAWD I cannot BELIEVE LEO DIDN'T ACCOMPANY BLAKE IN LIGHT OF ALL THIS SCANDAL) (NO, BUT SERIOUSLY; SHE'S PRESENTING WITH RYAN REYNOLDS AND I HEARD FROM THIS TABLOID EDITOR I KNOW THAT EVERYONE IN GOSSIP MEDIA THINKS THEY BONED BUT NO ONE COULD GET IT THROUGH LEGAL) coming up with the most news-breaking, relevant beauty coverage I can think of --

WAIT. OMG, you guys, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were just TOO CUTE. Oh HOW I JUST DIED and I don't even CARE ABOUT THEM. Like in that moment after Rob came back from making out with Taylor Lautner in the audience and then sort of lunged at K-Stew and she shrieked away and then he put his arm around her all boyfriend-y -- why don't I have a boyfriend?! WHY?!?!

It's because I'm so weird, you guys, and I don't really want one. This guy liked me for a while and I couldn't even; I just wanted to star in my friends' white rap videos.

ANYWAY. EXTRA HUSKY HAIR CLIPS. JUMBO. LOBSTER-SIZED. Is this as big as a lobster?  Fine, maybe JUMBO SHRIMP. It is approximately three times the size of her ears, and I think that she has the model ear-thing (or what I'm inventing in my irresponsible beauty journalist imagination and just CALLING the model ear-thing): EXTRA-LENGTHY EARS, like how models have bigger feet!

Just like Paris Hilton! Is she a model? Basically. Her feet are size 11. I just watched her new show. Girl is looking wally-eyed, and I like it!

(Sorry, Jane! I'm not supposed to talk talk talk talk about celebrities, but Paris Hilton is my new favorite again so I think I'm allowed! Bizarro Cat Logic: Jane wouldn't understand. See? She's confused right now. YesSSSssS.)

I like that Brooke Mueller.

ANYWAY. On just ONE Shopbop page featuring ONE color of these hair clips, there were 218 "likes"! And all the other colors had tons of "likes," too. Which immediately made me all insecure about my editorial judgement. Because I went into this post ready to write a most righteous 'DIS.' But then I was all, "Cat Marnell, you BITCH. You don't know anything!" And now I have no statement to make. Stupid social media! It makes me doubt myself!

Okay, but shut UP, Cat; let's get to it: this hair clip is the size of at least a croissant, and more than that, of a báhn mi sandwich roll! A bánh mi sandwich is a particularly terrible type of Vietnamese disgustingness that I was subjected to recently by my friend Bianca, a Steely Dan-loving newly minted dental hygienist who's tooth-centric tips I hope to feature soon in these very beauty columns.

Anway, Bianca was quick to counter that this hair clip -- about which she was all, "I like it!" over AIM -- was actually the size of a Beanie Baby, to which I responded by screaming that I was done writing about it. Which I am! Thank God. What a waste of everyone's time.

Anyway, if you love this monstrosity of a hair clip like my friend Bianca --  who actually has quite beautiful and precious taste and so now I hate myself extra; I do -- they are by Adia Kibur. A-who? Whatevs! Now you know.

PLUS: they cost a mere $15 for two 6" clips on Shopbop.com, a site that is usually also very much full of exquisite things and so OHHHH how I know I am judging this wrong! See, why do I dip my toes into hair accessory critique? Just because something is for the hair, I'm automatically an expert?! OUI!, I must think. But it is a non!

What do you think? Are you into the six-inch hair clip trend? Or are you just bored with life, with American sandwiches, with yourself? Discuss.

P.S. SIX INCHES?! THAT'S A DONG!