Jess

I'm Jess, and I put words in order for money, and also sometimes for free. I've been described as "a vulnerability-avoidance machine powered mainly by shame," as a "post-punk Dorothy Parker," and recently as a "closet supernerd" and "the best winglady ever"; only one of those descriptions was written by me, and I'll let you guess which one. (IT WAS THE FIRST ONE.) Feminist rage, comic books, sketch comedy, and dogs all pour coolant on my otherwise overclocked brain. I have the alchemical symbol for "vitriol" tattooed on my right wrist, and if you laughed at that, we'd probably like each other. I am on Twitter A LOT.

Age: 31
Twitter: @j_zimms
What I Do, Job-wise: Write, edit, and insert Simpsons jokes into news articles for an environmental website.
What I Do, Fun-wise: Draw, dance, drink, play Apples to Apples till I puke, insert Simpsons jokes into things that aren't news articles.
My Motto: You can walk a mile in a man's shoes, but to get inside his head, you have to get really small and crawl up his nose.
My Anti-Motto: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
The First Movie Star I Ever Had A Crush On: Cary Elwes
My “celebs to make out with” list: Any number of smart skinny British guys (David Tennant, Robert Webb, Hugh Laurie, Benedict Cumberbatch). All at once, if it can be managed.
The Most Played Song On My iTunes: "No Children" by the Mountain Goats
Last Book I Read Without Skimming Any Parts: The Areas of My Expertise.
My Most Worn Item of Clothing: Hoodie from my college fencing team. What can I say, I work from home.
Beauty Products That I Hoard: Sadly discontinued powder that makes my eyebrows match my hair.
I smell like: Angst, dog hair, chlorine. SNIFF ME. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
I Have Faked An Orgasm (Yes/No): Not exactly? If he chose to interpret those noises as an "orgasm" that is not my problem.