Let’s Talk About That Time I Almost Peed in My Car
Let’s throw it all the way back to late February 2013, when someone at xoJane headquarters foolishly gave me the password to the company Twitter and and asked me to live-Tweet the Oscars. I hadn't seen a single one of the nominated movies, of course, but it didn't matter because the Oscars are about one thing only for me: the clothes. Not just the dresses on the red carpet, though -- as a costume designer, I love learning every single detail I can about what the actors wear on the big screen as well.
The 2013 Oscar ceremony was my first-ever live-Tweeting assignment, so I took it very seriously. I immediately started looking up cool Hollywood wardrobe factoids to share with the class. For instance: did you know that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences (who has been putting on the Oscars every year since 1929) owns the original ruby slippers Judy Garland wore as Dorothy in her big heel-clicking scene? And that they were actually on display at the 2013 Oscars? I’ll bet you did not. I love that the ruby slippers were saved, as Hollywood has a terrible tradition of dumping classic, historical costumes without a second thought. I've bought some museum-quality pieces at studio garage sales that would shock you.
Every year for the past five years, I've attend a huge Oscar party thrown by a ritzy pal at the Chateau Marmont in Hollywood -- and I wasn't about to miss it just to Tweet -- so right as the red carpet was getting underway, I packed up my computer and followed the live stream of arrivals online as we drove west. Where, of course, we got stuck in one of the worst traffic jams I've seen in my life. Appropriately enough, it was Oscar traffic, as we were driving right by the theatre where the awards are held. As I alternately cursed my computer’s crummy wifi card and pounded out pithy comments about the gowns that were pouring down the carpet, it started to dawn on me that I had failed to heed everyone's mother’s very best piece of advice: “Make sure you always pee before you leave the house!”
The longer we sat dead stopped on Hollywood Boulevard, the more one thing became abundantly clear: I would soon have to #tweetfromtheseat, as Charmin’s cheeky Twitter feed likes to call it. At least I hoped I’d get to have a seat -- because living and driving in Los Angeles means you are always slightly in danger of one day having to pee in your car. I was stuck in horrific, hours long traffic jam on the 405 Freeway once that had me eyeing an empty paper cup that was rolling around on my floorboard, trying to figure out if I could remove my pants and pee in it before the car ahead of me moved.
Luckily, it didn't get to the point where I had to even consider the cup during my red carpet pee crisis -- because I soon found myself fulfilling my xoJane live-Tweeting duties from the inside of a of Porta-Potty that had been set up right outside the Oscars for the crush of people who always come down to gawk. My declaration of Kerry Washington as the evening's best-dressed celeb was indeed a true #tweetfromtheseat.
Since I’m a pro at peeing in public, I had a roll of toilet paper at the ready in my purse, so my time in the Porta-Potty really wasn't such a bad experience. I steal my toilet paper from work and stash it in a plastic sandwich bag, but you classy types could spring for a teeny-tiny roll of Charmin-to-Go, a miniature spool of bathroom tissue in a clever resalable package, available at almost any drugstore.
The moral of my story is twofold: one, take the time to toss a little bit of toilet paper in your handbag right now. You never know when it might save your life. And two: don't ever admit to Jane Pratt that you always have a roll of toilet paper in your purse, because you'll suddenly find yourself telling the whole word about that one time you almost peed in your car.
In partnership with Charmin. We all go. Why not enjoy the go?