I love party games at the bar. Horoscopes are fun, but after I took a class and became a reiki master, I wanted something more woo-woo for my iPhone to really crank up the no-plausible-basis-in-science spirituality factor.
To the rescue? Doreen Virtue's $6.99 a pop app store. It started innocently enough. I bought the "Messages From Your Angels" one. Of course all the messages are completely vague things a charlatan street psychic would tell you like "It is a good time to give birth to new ideas and situations in your life" or "Keep charging ahead, and don't take no for an answer."
Pretty solid advice.
Soon my friends and I would consult the app for questions about men, sushi delivery places and parties we were debating going to for the evening. Whaddya say, angels? "Victory! Your desire is coming to fruition. Keep up the good work!"
I'll take it! That must mean go with the highest-rated sushi place on Yelp, obviously the guy is crazy about me and the party cannot be missed.
It wasn't long though before I longed for something even more out-to-lunch than angels on my phone. "Messages From Fairies"? Check. They give equally vapid and deeply satisfying hooray-for-everyone aphorisms, although they suggest using plant essences a little too often for what I consider practical in my book. "Messages From Mermaids and Magical Dolphins?" Yes, please! There's even a soulmates card on that one with the two dolphins looking ever so snug. Great to whip out on a first date!
But the craziest most cuckoo-dookoo of them all? I would say that would be my beloved "Messages From Unicorns" app. Or Ask a Unicorn. Or whatever the hell it is. All I know is these unicorns have never steered me wrong. They are positive as all get out. These are some "Messages From Unicorns Fully Jacked on Zoloft" or something. A bonus use for all of these apps is taking a screengrab of something especially ridiculous and then texting it to friends while they are out on dates -- just to make sure the guy they are with knows the sophisticated caliber of their new paramour's friends and associates.
Oh, and if your friend doesn't text you back right away, the key to this is JUST TO CONTINUE SENDING UNICORN PICTURES UNTIL YOU GET A RESPONSE.
What is my most legit useful app, though? I don't know. Maybe the AA one. Or Lo-Mob (for when Instagram just doesn't have an aggressive enough filter to really ensure you end up a sexy blown-out blur of white noise with cheekbones). Oh, and I love HopStop. Tap ToDo is pretty good for creating Google task reminders. And I have some "Don't forget to drink water!" app, but I just kind of stare at it wistfully as I drink not water.
What's your best app? Most embarrassing? Please tell me someone out there has this unicorns app, too. You are in a safe space! No judgment.
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